#this is how the story begins ill never tell this story again until one of us is making amends...

[metamorphesque]

Short Story: "Why do flowers die so soon?", Vardges Petrosyan

(translated from Armenian by Tathev Simonyan)

…I remember the last days of my life, which were unlike any that had come before. To the world, I seemed so happy: I had brothers, a sister, a family, a child who was a bell and a brook’s murmur. What else could one need for happiness? And yet, something was missing, for I was not happy. And then, out of nowhere, she poured into my life.

Has it ever happened that, on a hot summer day, while you’re standing there, dazed by the sun and dreams, someone playfully poured cold water on your neck? At first, you might startle, maybe even scold the one who did it, but then you suddenly feel that’s exactly what you’d been standing in the sun for, perhaps you’d been standing your whole life just for that.

That’s how she poured into my life—wild and astounding, asking for nothing, careless as could be. Now I can’t even recall if she was beautiful. In her eyes, there was an inquisitive sadness, a sliver of sky, and a bit of rustling. It felt as though those eyes were always gazing at life, asking, “Why...?” She came uninvited, wrapped herself around my days like a grapevine curling up its wooden stakes, offering me all the clusters of her youth—everything she had. And she asked for nothing. Nothing at all. Until the very end, I couldn’t convince her that I loved her too. Perhaps I didn’t truly believe it then, for I kept reminding myself every moment: I have no right to love her. And maybe that’s why, when she laid her whole life at my feet, I kept glancing at my watch; she brought me the full nakedness of her youth, while I closed the curtains and turned off the light. I never went out in public with her, and the world never found out that I was finally happy. Our love was akin to a fire we tried to cover with our hands, though the flame was scorching and uncontainable.

I’m afraid my beginning is dragging on too long.

I was ill before I died. All day long, my mother, my brothers, and my wife—sorrowful and pale—remained by my side, though in those last days, we no longer understood or recognized one another. Only she was missing, the one I waited for and loved most. She couldn’t come to our house. My brothers knew I would die; the doctor had told them so. They believed it, perhaps even expected it—sad and resigned. Only my mother didn’t believe it, though not because she was unaware of what the doctor had said…

Perhaps it’s best if I tell you about my last day. By then, I already knew I would die that very day. That’s why I wanted to laugh when the doctor tried to give me an injection, examined my stomach, and then prescribed some medicine: “Give him this twice a day for a week.” I didn’t blame him—this calm, warm-handed man; he just didn’t understand me, and no doctor understands that people only die when they’re truly exhausted. Someone might grow tired at eighteen, and another at seventy. I was tired. But I wasn’t sad. My bookshelf was in front of me, though I didn’t think about the fact that my fingers would no longer touch those books. I knew that other fingers would, and for books, it makes no difference. Books are a bit like gossipers—they reveal their secrets to anyone, so I knew that they’d share them with someone else, too. With sadness I only looked at the acacia tree rustling below my window and at the sky in the distance. I wished I could take with me, to that place beneath the ground, just a bit of that rustling and a sliver of sky. But I knew it was impossible.

“I’ll go grab some cigarettes,” I suddenly heard my older brother say, even though I knew he didn’t smoke. He was either heading out to send a telegram to our relatives or he simply didn’t want to see me pass. I understood and said goodbye with a glance, knowing we would never meet again in this world. He left. I asked my wife to take our child outside for some fresh air. “I’ll take him,” she replied, not realizing she’d never hear my voice again. I also said something to my mother, but she didn’t leave. This saddened me deeply, and I slowly closed my eyes. I don’t know how much time passed, only that I suddenly heard my mother’s gut-wrenching scream and knew I had already died. Through my closed eyelids, I saw everyone come rushing in, saw them carry my mother out—the first to sense my death, though the only one who hadn’t believed it was near.

After that, everything unfolded as it always does.

For two days, people gathered around me, and I saw many familiar faces I hadn’t seen in years. They cried or stood somber and silent, then left. Sometimes, those sounds or that silence wore me out, and I wanted to ask them to talk or be quiet. But there was such calm within me that I didn’t dare to open my eyes. With a strange sense of wonder I began to observe people—many of whom I thought I knew well. Not knowing I was watching, they felt no need to pretend. I recalled what I used to think of them when I was alive, and, truthfully, at times, I felt embarrassed by those old thoughts and judgments. But that wasn’t what preoccupied me the most; every day, I searched for the one who never came. I knew she couldn’t simply come and stand quietly by my side like the others. I knew that as soon as she entered, everyone would know. My heart ached with longing; I missed her deeply, even thought of asking my mother to call her, but I was too worn out to open my eyes. I was so tired, and for the first time, I could think of her in peace, knowing no one would interrupt—not with a phone call, nor a glance, nor love, nor hate. I thought of her even when they carried me down my street, the street where I’d grown up, loved, and grown weary.

The street was full of sunlight, but for the first time, I didn’t feel hot; instead, I wanted even more of the sun, bigger and warmer. I looked at my street: trams, cars, people stood with a kind of sadness that wore my heart out. I didn’t want to be the reason behind anyone’s sadness; thus, I didn’t feel bad at all when I saw a boy and girl under a tree, holding hands and smiling into each other’s eyes. At first, I thought they hadn’t noticed the procession, but then the girl looked directly at me and smiled again. The boy looked too, with kind and happy eyes. I wanted to smile back, maybe even wave, but I was too tired, and besides, if I lifted my hand, the flowers would fall.

Then we walked into the cemetery, and that’s when I saw her. I saw her and smiled—or rather, that smile had been there on my face the whole time because I’d been thinking of her in my final moments. For two days, through my closed eyelids, I saw that no one understood that smile; some even looked at it strangely and confused. But at the graveside, she understood; I even saw her smile back at me. Then her figure was obscured from my view by my relatives, my loved ones, and I remembered our last night together…

We were walking through the darkness. Only in darkness could we love each other freely in the open world, which is why we despised not just electric lights but even the stars when they shone too brightly. We were walking through the dark, and she wanted me to say that she was the one I loved most in the world. I was silent, perhaps already sensing that I was too tired of keeping that sentence unsaid, one I longed to cry out through all the speakers of the world. I was tired—tired of this darkness, of the lights, of everything—yet she waited. And later, under the ground, I deeply regretted that I hadn’t said those words meant only for her, belonging only to her, but it was already too late.

As I reminisced about our last night together, they started to lower me into the ground. I caught a final glimpse of her between my relatives' feet and heard her gaze. "Should I come with you?" she asked. "Should I?" That’s how I used to hear her voice through the receiver back then. In that final moment, I realized that if I just nodded, she would come, but she was only twenty-one, so I replied, "Stay." She heard my gaze, heard silently, just as she always had. Soon, she was obscured from view, and I realized I was already beneath the ground. After that, I heard the familiar sounds of stones and soil. And then, nothing more; only the thick fragrance of flowers lingered, frozen between me and the earth, then, thinking of her, I grew numb: I tried to recall the date and the day, but could only keep track of the calendar for a week or two.

Thus, days turned into months, and perhaps years went by. And I remember the words I never said to her, to the world, which is why I began to murmur this belated confession from beneath the earth. I began to exist through those unsaid words. Each day, I tried to remember how long our love lasted. A few... months? days? years?…

One day, I looked up and saw the sky once more; they had torn down our cemetery and replaced it with a garden of grasses and flowers. I had become a flower. I looked around in excitement, eager to find her and give her the words that were meant for her, belonged only to her... But she was not there; all around me were unfamiliar flowers that I did not recognize. I realized I must have been beneath the earth for perhaps an entire century, and she, too, might now be a flower, a blade of grass, or a handful of grain���who knows where in all the fields of the world... I was ready to search the globe for her, but I was just a flower, and I died as soon as I tried to lift my feet from the soil. I died for the last time. When I once more turned into soil, only then did I understand why flowers die so soon: all flowers might once have been people who rose from the earth in search of that someone, only to not find them and wither away, dying one last time. I realized that nothing in this world can be found twice, and I longed to cry out with all my floral voice, “Don’t let go, people, don’t lose what you have!”

[allmylifemyseasons]

Goodnight and Go~ Choi Yeonjun

synopsis: Yeonjun hates parting at night or... peeks of y/n's and yeonjun's relationship underneath the night sky.

pairing: College student! Choi Yeonjun x afab! reader

song: Goodnight and Go - Imogen heap (lost the plot halfway through, but point is, they are DOWN BAD for each other, Yeonjun more, and they are sickly sweet which the song is too, so... a win is a win.)

warnings- none? not really a plot... just moments of the relationship... mostly fluff/comfort, CHEESINESS (SELF INDLUGING), yeonjun being head over heel for you, just sickly sweet im telling ya... mentions of sexual acts but none performed (not there yet sadly)

( AND PROBABLY BAD WRITING BUT WE FINISHED A STORY SO?????? I WIN), OH FORGOT TO SAY.... it's also unedited....

Word count: 4.8k (ha...)

A/N: Hello! this is my first work on here, and honestly its a bit of a mess, but I made a new years resolution that id start writing more and posting it, and I just spent a couple of hours writing non stop... Please give me constructive criticism, I need rejection therapy LMAO, no but really, I want to be good so bad...

Yeonjun rubs his hands together and blows his hot breath in between them, trying to defrost his frozen fingers, and it works but only for a bit. He watches that same air crystalize in front of him as he thinks of what else to say. You both stood by your door now, the front yard light was dim but shined brightly enough to see the blush across both of your faces. He was desperate for the night to continue, he wanted to hear you talk until the end of time, be around you until the sun came up, but he notices the shiver your body does everytime the wind blows. 

Yeonjun had seen you around before asking you on a date. It was one of those weird moments in cheesy rom coms, where you just wouldn't stop spawning everywhere he went. All throughout campus, you would appear, with the brightest smile he'd ever seen. You were always laughing, always smiling, always speaking with such enthusiasm in a conversation. When he finally put a voice to the smile, after sitting in the only chair left available in a class you shared, Yeonjun understood why those around you carried the same smile around, even after parting from you. Yeonjun had never felt as listened to as much as he did in the first conversation you had and the ones following it. He wondered just exactly how you did it, to make any person that spoke to you, the most important person in the world.You were addicting to be around, a source of comfort and laughter. When he finally got the courage to ask you out, a day before fall semester ended, he felt the clouds push back as you smiled softly, for the first time looking nervously everywhere else before saying yes, a twinkle shined in your eye, like a disney movie and he felt absolutely captivated from there on. 

“Um, anyways, thanks for dinner tonight,” You say looking directly up at him, your eyes shined with hope as if you were expecting something. You clear your throat before continuing, “and thanks for the jacket.” 

You begin to peel it off your shoulders: 

“Now, please put it on before your future cold gets worse,”

“Pfft, what cold? Ill be fine~”He smirks confidently, waving a dismissive hand as he bunches up his jacket to prove a point. 

“I can't wait to say I told you so.” you tease. 

“You wish, in fact I'm gonna be so fine, I'm hoping I can see you again? Maybe before the weekend ends? Friday? There's that new spiderman movie… ” Anything. He thinks to himself. He doesn't worry about looking too desperate, it truly doesn't bother him to show you that he wants you, bad, because he really does. 

“Hmm… okay let's make a deal. If you're feeling fine by this Friday, you get to pick the movie. If youre sick, I pick it…” A win-win. He smirks, “...after you get better…” His smile drops. 

“Ugh..” He rolls his eyes playfully before sticking his hand out, “...deal.” He makes a mental note to take vitamins before heading to bed. 

You shake his hand as a giggle falls from your lips. 

You're surrounded by an awkward silence again, you're no longer looking at him but literally anywhere else. He knows what you're waiting for, and honestly he wants it too. Your lips, that were tinted and glossed, had been distracting him all night, but he was nervous. Yeonjun had always been someone who moved fast, always quick to jump the rope. In the past, he would have walked right on in on the first date and would've stayed the night, and the relationships themselves would move quickly to the point that things would get messy and things were not fully thought through. He didn't want to do that with you, he didn't want to ruin this. But was a kiss considered slow? Fast? He didn't have enough time to mull it over. 

“Um, so yeah let me know…” You chuckle awkwardly, reaching back for the handle of the door. There's still hope in your eyes until he speaks up. 

“I will, thanks for coming out with me tonight, y/n” Yeonjun steps backwards, feeling regret rush through his body. He thinks it might overcome him before he catches a genuine smile on your face, “Goodnight, Jun.” 

“Goodnight.” He watches you walk in before walking back to his car, where he dwells on the sweet image of your smile. 

Your lips. God, your lips.

 He should've done it, what's fast about a kiss? The look you gave him replays in his mind, flutters breaking out in his stomach over and over again each time. The regret is making him move ten times slower and distracts him well enough that he doesn't notice the moving figure circling around his car to the driver's side window. 

The knock makes him jump. He rolls his window down, looking awfully confused because here you were, kneeling down to his level, with a nervous look. 

“Y/N? Are you okay? Did you forget something?” 

You stare at him for a bit, “Um, yeah, j-just this…” You lean forward hesitant before landing a quick peck on his lips. It happened so fast Yeonjun barely had time to feel your lips pressed on his, but he felt them, they were on there. He notices the nervous look as you wait patiently for his reaction and it makes him break into a smile. Who knew being on the same page felt so good? 

He reaches your face with both of his hands to bring you back to him, this time keeping your lips on his for longer than a peck, and they feel much softer than they looked, and he was able to taste the leftover sweetness of the slice of cake you shared, he can't believe he said goodnight before doing this. He can't believe he lived a whole life before your lips.

The wind picks up and he feels you shiver once again, and he remembers that its winter and you ran out in your dress and a thin cardigan. He lets go, not before pecking your lips once more, and smiles up at you, the blush on your cheeks were his doing and he's feeling really good about that. 

“Okay, for real now, goodnight.” You giggle before tightening your cardigan and running back inside. 

He watches you scurry in, and he drives off, the faint feeling of your lips are as present as the permanent smile on his lips that night. 

——- 

“Are you sure there’s nothing more I can help you with, Mrs. L/N?” Yeonjun stands by the open door, leaning against the wall, using it as support as he fits his foot in his shoe. The table was cleared and the dishes were washed, yet he felt like he could stay longer if needed. 

Yeonjun loved your family home. Everything reminded him of you, from the smell to the style to every single picture on the wall having either a call back to stories he remembers you telling him or a younger version of you in them. It made it feel like you, and it was hard to leave every time. 

“You've done more than enough, sweetie. Thank you.” Your mother replies leaning to give him a tight hug and an affectionate squeeze on the cheek before heading to the living room. 

“Y/N, dont forget to lock the door once youre back inside.” 

“Got it!” You respond back, closing the door behind you as you both step out to the refreshing breeze of a summer night. The buzzing of the insects filled the silence as Yeonjun turned back to you. 

“Thank you, sweetie.” you tease, wrapping your arms around his waist. 

“Oo, someone jealous~” 

“Am not!” 

“Its okay, baby. I won't steal your mom.” He ruffles the top of your head before leaning into your embrace. 

“You wouldn't succeed anyways~” It came out muffled that he could barely understand it, making him chuckle lightly. 

He knew he had to leave soon, you both had class in the morning. Yet in your warmth, it made it so hard to care about anything other than the feeling of your head in his chest. 

“Dont go.” You say softly. Once again, it's like you were in his head.

“Mmm, We have class tomorrow though, and you have that exam, i'm only gonna distract you.” He hated to be the responsible one in these circumstances but you had been nervous about this class and he knew better than to fall for the temptation of staying and not allowing you to study. 

“Ugh.. Please dont remind me.” You rub your face on his chest before stepping back and he looks at you with an amused face. 

“Are you picking me up tomorrow?” 

“Duh.” 

“Okay. Can we go to that one cafe with the fluffy cheesecakes after?” 

He nods before pulling on your fingers, leaning in for a kiss. 

“Goodnight, Baby~” He says in between kisses.

“Night, Junie~” You turn to go, your hand being the last thing lingering on him, before you feel back. He grabs your face gently bringing you in for a second kiss. 

“Goodnight, Baby~” He says again, a small smile playing on his lips as he pecks you twice. 

This brings a small laugh out of you. 

“Goodnight, Junie~” You drag out before turning around again, only to again feel a pull back, this time his hands slip and pull your long sleeve instead. 

“Yeonjun!” You laugh out, his lips once again attaching themselves to you. 

“Okay, okay, forreal goodnight” He laughs too, his hands closing in behind your head, bringing you in for what should have been the final kiss of the night. He feels your smiles in the kiss fade as he keeps you in the kiss for a bit, he can feel the soft sigh you let out and he feels dizzy from it. Yeonjun breaks the kiss, landing pecks before leaning back slightly, your head still in his hands. The warmth spreads across his face, down to his chest and he can't tell if the buzzing is coming from the insects anymore or from his heart.  What he can tell, is that you're feeling it too as he watches how your half lidded eyes continue to stare at him, so full of adoration and love he almost feels shy by them. 

“I love you” He whispers, watching you carefully for any sign of a reaction. He thinks he might have read the room wrong, until he watches your eyes widen and sparkle cartoonishly, a smile breaking wide on your face. 

“I love you too.” He takes a moment to process your response before leaning down to touch foreheads and Yeonjun feels an explosion of emotions in him, like fireworks being set off all over his body. 

“Good.” He says trying to play it off as not a big deal. But he can't play off the crack in his voice. You giggle. 

“Shut up,” You push him gently and Yeonjun can't help but just stare at you, “Goodnight, Baby. I love you~” He loves the enjoyment in your eyes as you say it.

“I love you too. Good night~” And just like the night of your first date, and almost every week since it happened 6 months ago, he watches you walk towards the door. 

“Okay! Goodnight! Go already!” You laugh from the door. “Text me when you're home!”

———

Yeonjun watches you from the corner of his eye at the way you run a hand through your hair, standing across from him, your arms crossed. Your parents weren't home, and they wouldn't be for the whole weekend, something that was often celebrated between the two of you, spent in each other’s arms, in each other's beds, but right now Yeonjun sat slumped on the couch. He spent the past five minutes in silence trying to figure out how to direct the conversation, but he felt like you were both losing patience with each other, and he hated the feeling. 

“Y/N. Can you please just sit with me?” 

He watches you stand there for a moment before walking towards him. Arguments weren’t common enough to know how to have a healthy one. Words and accusations have been thrown, and Yeonjun wants to put an end to it before it gets worse. 

It started with a light stray, just a small comment from you that caught him off guard. 

“You can go, I don't mind staying home.” you lean facing the island as you watch the water of the sink hit the drain, steam rising up makes you turn the faucet handle the other direction before Yeonjun puts his hands in boiling water. 

“What? No, come on, it'll be fun.” he rubs your back as he stacks the dishes in the sink. 

“Right, because being stuck in a corner is fun.” From the look on your face, the soft chuckle that escapes your lips, he knew you didn't mean anything provoking about it, but he couldn't help but believe there was deeper meaning behind it. 

“What's that supposed to mean?” He no longer focused on the dishes. 

“Huh? Nothing? I just mean like sometimes your friends' parties aren't fun. ” 

“But we already said we’d go? I don't want to back out now.” 

“Then go, baby. We don't both have to be there. I'm sure they won't even notice I'm not there.” 

“Of course they'll notice! Chaewon and Soob are gonna be so bummed you're not there. I'm gonna be bummed you're not there” 

“Jun, I really don't want to spend the one weekend having the house to myself, at someone else's house. I'm tired, I'm on my period and the last thing I want to do is drink and have the bass booming in my ears. If you really wanna go, it's fine. You should go.” You were getting frustrated, he could tell but the feeling was throwing him out on a loop. 

Yeonjun felt like something was off. Have you always felt this way about the parties you’d go to? Had it had something to do with his friends? With him? 

“Come on, I always go to your parties, come to mine.” It hadn't occurred to him how pushy he sounded, but the idea of leaving you home alone didn't sit right with him. 

“No one asks you to go though.” 

“You don't have to ask me, I do things without needing to be begged.” it hits him. He's saying the wrong things, but it's too late, because you're giving him a look of total shock. 

“You don't have to beg me. I don't want to go. And even more so now that I'm being forced out of guilt.” 

“I didn't mean it like that.” 

“It doesn't matter what you meant. It's how it came out.” 

The argument only escalated from there. What started out as a simple rejection evolved to a yelling match and ended with Yeonjun slamming the door on his way out. No ‘goodnight’, no goodnight kiss, just the fall wind making it hard to walk out into the night. 

Yeonjun thinks he might have been overdoing things, overestimating the meaning behind your words, but it was hard to be sure, when you always hid behind them. Yeonjun couldn't shake off the feeling that there was more to it. And now leaving you alone in an empty house sent a wave of regret and sadness throughout his bones. Yeonjun hated saying goodnight to you, hated  that he had to settle on kissing you, settle on the faint ghosting feeling of your lips on his before he went to bed, but preferred it over this feeling anyday and now he royally fucked it up for the night and had to suffer through it. 

He wouldn't be able to even enjoy the party with the thought of you angry at him. He wouldn't be able to focus on the conversations nor enjoy the drinks with the memory of your furrowed eyebrows playing in a loop. 

He only made it two blocks away before he turned back, and headed back to you. He found you in the kitchen with teary eyes and soapy foam on your hands. The water running filled the dead air around you.

When Yeonjun finally makes his presence known, you're quick to look back down.

The silence that surrounds you now, as he gets you to sit beside him, has him questioning how he can fix this. 

His hand is hesitant in reaching for yours, and you move it closer to him to reassure him that it was okay to grab it. Thank god. He thought. 

“I'm sorry for everything I've said,” He rubs your palm looking at you focus on your hand, “I shouldn't be forcing you to do anything you don't want to do, it's not a big deal if you miss a couple of my friends parties, we don't have to go to every single one, i'm sorry i wasn't thinking about you. I like having you there and being around me and when you hangout with my friends I feel good, like all my favorite people are in one room. I think that just made me become a little selfish.” He joins you in watching how his thumb presses into your skin. You nod. 

Silence overcomes the both of you again, before you break it next. 

“I'm sorry too. I don't mean to be mean, I think my words just come out that way before I can think them through and I really need to work on that. You're not selfish for wanting that, but sometimes I just get tired of going out all the time.” He feels you holding back again, not being able to voice what was bothering you.

“Is it the ‘going out’ that's really bothering you? Or might it be something else?” It dawns on him that he can just ask. The tension had been disappearing by the minute, you pulled your hand away from him and hid your face. 

“I dont want to sound clingy…” 

“Hey, you won't. I swear.” 

You rub your hand over your face. Yeonjun hopes that the hand he places on your back soothes you at least a bit. 

“Sometimes you just feel really dismissive at parties. Like yeah we showed up together and you've introduced me to your friends and they know me and they're so nice, but in the first 10 minutes, you're like gone. I just start to feel abandoned. You don't have to babysit me, it's not what I'm saying you know? It's just like I feel left out, and maybe it's on me, maybe I just have to put myself out there and put in the effort to be friends with your friends, but youre kinda like my way in ya know? I was lucky that Soobin and Chaewon are in some of my classes for the semester, and we got closer that way. But once they leave, it's so hard to get close to you or keep up with you.  I'm sorry if this sounds annoying, I know its sou-” 

Yeonjun was dumbfounded. How could he have made you feel that way and never noticed? 

Right, because being stuck in a corner is fun. How stupid could he have possibly been. 

He felt his throat closing in. He cuts off your apologetic rant. 

“No. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm so sorry I never noticed I would do that, I can't believe I didn't. You're right. I'm so sorry, y/n. Please forgive me. I hadn't realized that's what you meant. I won't be doing that ever again. I swear. Believe me.” he doesn't know what else to do other than spur out apologies. 

“Its okay. Really. I guess I know you get so caught up in having fun..” 

“Stop. Please don't justify it. I love you. I'm so sorry.” he grabs your hand and kisses your palm. 

“It's okay, thank you for listening. I love you too~” You chuckle a bit, your eyes no longer teary as they are replaced by a look of amusement. 

“We're pretty good at this argument and resolution thing, no?” You say after another small moment of silence. Yeonjun laughs. The tension is gone, chests are feeling lighter and the air is no longer still around you as Yeonjun wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you back to rest on the cushions. He's already thinking of all the ways he can make up for his mistake.

“Definitely not, but we got time to work on it.” He kisses your head. 

“It's a good start, atleast~” You laugh, leaning into his arms. 

The heater turns on, and the position you're both in feels so comfortable neither of you want to move. Especially Yeonjun as he catches a glance at the clock, 11:40pm.

“So… Do I have to say ‘goodnight’ tonight?” In his head, he knows the answer. Yet, he still asks, wanting to feel reassured, feeling an invisible new boundary he wants only you to break. 

“Dont be dumb.” You respond snuggling further into him and the couch. He can tell from the way you respond, that you're falling asleep, and with that thought his own eyes begin to droop. 

“Oh, jun?” Barely above a whisper that Yeonjun barely catches it. 

“Yeah?” With his eyes close and heavy he doesn't notice your finger raising to his forehead level before giving it a stinging flick.

“Ouch!” 

“Never walk out like that again.” 

—--

“Please tell me that was the last of the boxes.” You force out in a big puff of air. Summer had just started, yet the heat felt marinated into the spring and only got worse. 

Yeonjun nods as he climbs the last two steps of the stairs. Curse this elevator-less building.

Yeonjun had recently moved out of the dorms into a college-assigned apartment complex. He saved money from his multiple jobs, and pulled out the biggest loan in mankind just to gain what he called the biggest privilege in all of college history: Privacy. 

Soobin and Beomgyu had shed some fake tears before vowing to visit everyday, something Yeonjun did not laugh at. You, on the other hand, couldn't keep your laugh in as you watched the frown on Yeonjun’s face grow deeper as the boys pretended to console what they thought was a sad and lonely man. 

“At least you guys can finally do it in peace.” Beomgyu announces as he drops the box by the corner of the empty room. He swipes the sweat off his forehead, quirking his eyebrow, earning a smack at the back of the head from Yeonjun. 

“Idiot.” Soobin says, fanning himself with a random piece of flimsy paper. 

“He's not wrong though…” Yeonjun whispers as he wraps his arms around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder. You smack his arm, your cheeks turning red. 

After the boys helped move the mattress in, they left, not before complaining about getting kicked out so soon. Yeonjun just wanted to spend time with you, alone, in what is now the space of his own home. 

“I feel used.” Beomgyu wiped a fake tear, “thrown away, even. Y/N treat him well, he no longer needs us.” 

“This is so sad,” You say, patting his head, looking at Yeonjun.

“If I give you 30 bucks for dinner, will you both leave us alone?” 

“Deal.” 

Once they were gone, you both moved the mattress towards the center of the living area, the carpet making you both struggle and groan. Yeonjun lands face flat on the queen mattress, heaving. 

“Ill order the pizza, can you get my laptop? I brought some drinks and snacks from home so we don't have to buy those.” 

Yeonjun watches as you rummage through the bag filled with home goods. You had brought whatever you thought would be useful to him; soap, shampoo, towels, some dishes, canned foods, homemade dishes that were able to be frozen, anything really that could save him time and money. Yeonjun’s heart almost exploded at the sight of you carrying the pink duffle bag, smiling so wide as you excitedly showed him what you were able to snatch.

 He could tell the idea of a new apartment excited you too. Earlier in the year, he had imagined himself asking you to move in with him, to maybe take that chance. He had no reason not to. You had been together for a while now, and things were getting serious with each passing day. He couldn't imagine seeing the relationship ending…ever. He had been so serious about you since day one and he could tell you saw him as the sure thing too, and when the opportunity came up, of renting his own space, it was waking up to you that was the first thought in his head. But… he was nervous. He had heard from friends that some relationships don't last the ‘living together’ stage. Those arguments about different ways of living can become bigger ones, ones that question if the pairing ever made sense. It scared him, what if he was too messy? What if you didn't like the way he had late night snacks at night, or the fact that he would stay at the dance studio for long periods of time? Most of these things you knew already, but you didn't have to deal with it really at your own house. He questioned if the fear of losing you was bigger than the want of spending every waking moment he could with you, he knew the answer but was just scared to make the realization. 

“Pizza is ordered!” You plop next to Yeonjun, now on his back, on the mattress, “which one?” you hold up two drinks for him to pick, he takes one from your hand and places it nearby before nudging at your hips to lift. He places you on his stomach, your legs straddling his sides. 

“You don't have curtains yet.” You whispered, red tint spreading from your face down to your neck. 

He laughs, “What are you thinking in that head of yours? I just wanted to be near you.” 

“Whatever! I was just reminding you!” You squeak, covering your face with your hands. He laughs again, rubbing his hands up and down from your thighs to your waist, thinking about it again. It could be like this everyday, not having to worry about roommates or parents barging in, no moments of awkwardness, no disruptions, just the look in your eyes as you stare at him in the comfortable silence that settles between the two of you.

“What do you think about a coffee table? I know you said your furnishing budget was short and I was at the thrift store the other day and they had this really nice antique…” 

If you do say yes, what would it mean? Was it too soon for him to think about the next year with you? The next five? Ten? He can imagine it all. He wanted it all. 

“Will you move in with me?” He says, catching you off guard. 

“Huh?” 

“...Moving in… would you move in with, um, with me? You don't have to, it was just like a thought-” 

“You want to live with me?” Your eyes, that were practically popped out in shock as you looked down at him, softened. 

“I want to do everything with you.” Yeonjun knows your face mirrors his in redness. 

Your eyes water, and you try to stop yourself from smiling. “You're so cheesy…”

“I would love to.” You whisper. you're now leaning in closer, and Yeonjun, with a heart so heavy and ready to spill, feels impatient that he must meet you halfway, folding his elbows behind him to lean on. He connects your lips immediately, and his heart sighs and yours must too the way he feels you relax above him, bringing your hands to his hair, your nails raking through his scalp. He would never say this to you, in fear of maybe scaring you off, but he saw your future in this specific kiss, where you both experience moments of success, of happiness, of sadness and tragedy, but you were experiencing it together, and he couldn't imagine it with anybody else. 

That night as the movie played, with no actual audience, Yeonjun felt relieved that his parting days were over. He wouldn't have to say goodnight to you, wouldn't have to detach himself from your lips, your arms, leaving him cold and wanting more. You could be the first thing he sees in the morning and the last thing he would see at night, and to him, that was all he could ever really want.

A/N: You made it! Thank you so much for giving it a chance! Its not my strongest but she my first finished baby in a long time... Please tell me your thoughts!! tell me you hate it, tell me you love it, anything im open to suggestions, tips, im a crier tho fair warning, but I won't tell you I cried (A win for you!)

[aishangotome]

Azel Radwan: Chapter 19 Premium Story

Chapter 19

Thank you @passthechloroform for providing the video for this chapter!

♡———♡

If there's a beginning, there's an end.

That day might come sooner than we think.

Sooner than we can even prepare ourselves.

Azel: Akatsuki, I recommend leaving Tanzanite before the full moon.

(Huh…?)

Azel sipped his Zel tea and spoke seriously.

The owner's eyes changed at the prophecy from the God who could foretell a definite reality.

Akatsuki: ...It's going to get worse?

Azel: Yes. Soon.

(...Gods can even tell when things will worsen.)

The moon has already more than half recovered its shape.

It won't be long until the full moon.

(The last riot was just a minor skirmish...)

(But if those continue, eventually they could escalate to the use of force.)

(Once the royal family uses force, the oppressed side won't be able to back down either.)

(I hope Tanzanite doesn't become a battlefield.)

The never-ending prophecy of the end sowed seeds of anxiety in my heart, and I could no longer taste the Zel tea.

Akatsuki: That's kind of you.

Azel: I told you, didn't I? Miss Emma has been good to me.

Azel: This warning is my thanks. However...

Azel: If a God says such ominous things, it will cause an uproar.

Azel: So please, keep this between us.

(If a large-scale riot breaks out...)

(I wonder if Azel will be alright.)

-

(...)

(.............)

(I can't sleep...)

Curled up on the edge of the bed, I open my eyes that I had been desperately closing, trying to sleep.

What came into view was not the ceiling of the night sky --- but Azel's mystical eyes.

(...!?)

Azel: Wha-

Azel seemed just as surprised as me, and jumped back with the force of a shooting star.

Azel: If you're awake, say you're awake! You're giving me a heart attack!

Emma: Wh-what were you doing?

Azel: Nothing! It's a misunderstanding!

(...If I'm not mistaken, it looked like he was peering at my sleeping face...)

When I stared at him intently, Azel, who for some reason had his hands raised to prove his innocence, turned away.

Azel: I wasn't doing anything bad.

Azel: It's just that... you were in my way, so I pushed you to the edge of the bed.

(He's right. I seem to have moved to the middle of the bed before I knew it.)

Come to think of it, I always try to sleep on the very edge so as not to disturb Azel, but when I wake up in the morning, I often find myself sleeping in the middle of the bed.

Emma: Sorry––

(...No, this is strange.)

(If Azel was the one pushing me to the edge, I shouldn't be waking up in the middle every time.)

Azel continued to avert his gaze unnaturally, not even trying to look at me.

Emma: ...Could it be the other way around?

Azel: No, it's not! Why would I go out of my way to move you to the middle? Don't be ridiculous!

Emma: It is the other way around, isn't it?

Azel: ......

(This ticklish, sweet feeling, how many times have I felt it now?)

Emma: Thank you for always doing that.

Perhaps realizing he couldn't keep up the pretense, Azel returned to the bed with a sulky look.

Azel: Let me tell you––

Emma: Are you going to charge me a transportation fee or a caring fee?

Azel: ...Yeah, that's right. I'll add it to your tab.

Picking up a book that was lying nearby, Azel lay on his stomach and began to read.

Perhaps it was a sign that he had nothing more to say.

I also put a little distance between us and lay down again, but my gaze was directed at him.

His profile as he faced the book was as handsome as a statue, and at first glance, he looked like a cold God.

But beneath the surface, Azel was always merciful.

He's a greedy, ill-natured God who works me like a slave, but I realize that I can't help but grin at the clumsy compassion he shows from time to time.

––And after grinning, my heart races too.

(I don't think I can sleep now, but for a different reason than before.)

As I continued to stare, Azel, with a frown between his brows, lightly pinched my cheek.

Azel: Go to sleep. Your staring is annoying.

Emma: ...Would you mind keeping me company with a story until I get sleepy?

Azel: No way.

Emma: There's something I want to ask out of curiosity.

Azel: I said no, didn't I?

Even though he said "no," he wasn't turning the pages of the book.

It was proof that he was listening to my voice.

(The Azel I know is merciful like this.)

(But then why...)

Emma: ...Why can't Gods love people?

Azel: Huh?

Emma: You know, you said it before.

Azel: Being liked is troublesome, and Gods don't love humans either.

Emma: You're not a misanthrope, are you, Prince Azel?

Emma: You're quite caring in your own way, you never refuse those who visit the temple, and you always smile in front of people...

Emma: In fact, you even seemed to love people.

Azel: ...So, that's the extent of Belle's perception, huh?

Azel: It makes me sick to my stomach to be misunderstood in such a disgusting way, so carve this into your flower-field brain.

Azel closed the book and needlessly squished and squeezed my cheeks.

Azel: I was a Living God from the moment I was born.

Azel: People looked to me for hope, and they sought prophecies from me.

Azel: From a baby who was still zero years old and didn't even understand anything.

Emma: From such a young age?

Azel: Yeah. My mother knelt before me, and my father fanatically worshipped me.

Azel: Naturally, I don't remember anything from when I was zero...

Azel: But according to my brother, they apparently forced me to perform divination using cards.

Azel: They would make the baby choose from prepared cards to determine the future—a binary divination, or rather, a game of chance that couldn't even be called divination.

Emma: That's just messed up.

Azel: Our people don't possess the same sensibilities as you.

Azel: They entrusted their lives, their country, everything to a baby.

Azel removed his hand and rested his chin in his hand.

Azel: Of course, as I got older, people's demands only increased.

Azel: People revere Gods because they show them a guaranteed reality.

Azel: To put it bluntly, it's convenient for them. They don't have to think for themselves about any difficult problems, right?

(...I had a vague understanding of this, but I can't agree that abandoning choices and entrusting judgment to a God is a good thing.)

(Because choices come with responsibility.)

I, as Belle, also chose the future king of Rhodolite.

If the king I chose implements bad policies in the future, I will be the one to answer for it.

(Azel has been asked to make and has shown far more critical choices than I have.)

(But when his divination fails, people will blame the God, just like in that riot.)

Emma: ...Have you ever felt like it was all too much?

Azel: Every day. That's why I rebelled once.

Azel: It was more my brothers' mischievous idea than my own will, though.

Azel: Enis and my other brother probably felt sorry for my situation back then, just like you.

Azel: One time, we ran away from the palace and hid here in this ruin.

Azel: Only in this place, away from the eyes of adults, did my brothers treat me like a little brother.

Azel: Being treated as a "human" felt surprisingly good...

Azel: We were supposed to return to the palace before being found, but because of that, I made a mistake in judgment.

Azel: It didn't take long for my father to find us using soldiers.

Azel: And...

Before I knew it, Azel was clenching his fists on top of the sheets.

Azel: Right in front of me, my brothers had their nails ripped off, were whipped, and were hung in a cold cell for three days and nights.

Emma: ...!

(...What is this...?)

(This isn't discipline, it's just torture.)

Azel: I was still a child then. I cried and screamed, unable to do anything, but my father wouldn't stop.

Azel: He tortured my brothers with a smile, saying it was all for the sake of God.

Azel: ...Ever since then, I haven't been able to stand the sight of blood.

Finding traces of pain in his dispassionate words, I placed my hand over Azel's.

I acted not out of reason, but out of emotion, hoping to distract him from the pain, even if just a little.

Emma: ...That's horrible.

Azel: But there was no one to stop my father.

Azel: Everyone believes without a doubt that it was the right thing to do because they love God.

Azel opened his fist without shaking off my hand.

Azel: Since then, Enis has been unable to defy our father and no longer sees me as his brother.

Azel: My other brother was the mastermind behind the escape plan, so he was exiled.

Azel: My claiming the title of Second Prince is like an act of defiance.

Azel: I deliberately maintain the position of First Prince to prevent that geezer from forgetting my anger.

(...So that's what it was.)

*flashback*

Azel: It's alright. The old man is secluded in the sanctuary today.

Azel: Even if we're a little out of line, there's no one to punish us.

Enis: ...Right.

*flashback over*

Emma: That father you're talking about, Prince Azel...

Emma: Is he the apostle?

As if to confirm, he squeezed my hand tightly.

Azel: You felt something was off about that geezer from the start, didn't you?

Azel: I was impressed by that. You saw through him as a madman in an instant.

(...The more I hear, the more Azel's environment seems like...)

Azel: People worship and revere me as a God. But that's just a convenient illusion.

Azel: The true identity of the last God on this continent...

Azel: Is just a pitiful slave.

All I could do was squeeze his hand back.

Azel: That's the answer to "why Gods don't love humans."

Azel: ...The people say they love the God.

Azel: They think they can do whatever they want with "love" as their excuse.

Azel: No matter how rational a person is, once they go mad with love, they can no longer live without it.

Azel: The way they fall into madness under the pretext of love is nothing but a curse.

(That sounds familiar somehow...)

A vague memory surfaced in my mind and seeped into my heart.

Azel: That's why I will never love anyone.

Azel: And don't you ever say such a repulsive thing again.

Emma: ...But...

Emma: The love you're talking about isn't love.

(At least, it's different from the love I know.)

(...This is the source of the dissonance I've been feeling.)

Emma: You can't call something that hurts you love.

Emma: That's just violence disguised as love.

When I declared this firmly, his mystical eyes wavered in the faint moonlight.

Azel: Then what is real love?

(Real love is...)

I've been searching for it too, and I still haven't found the answer.

But if we can call compassion a kind of "love," then I know many clear examples.

Emma: Wouldn't it be like this very moment, when you're indulging my sleepless chatter?

Azel: ...Huh?

Emma: Like when you cook for me when I'm tired...

Emma: Or when you frantically bring me a linen when I'm crying...

Emma: Or when you put me back in bed every day so I don't fall out...

Emma: I think that's what love is.

Azel: ......

Azel: So you're insulting me, then?

Emma: Why would you think that!?

Azel: What else am I supposed to think?

Azel: According to what you just said, it would mean I love you.

Emma: Ah...

(Come to think of it, those might have been rather conceited examples.)

(But that's all I could think of at the moment...!)

Azel: That was an insult worthy of increasing your debt by three digits.

Emma: ...! Th-they were just examples!

Azel, his face contorted like a demon mask, was blushing furiously, even in the dim light.

(...Seeing him so flustered...)

Even things that didn't have any deep meaning before are starting to gain meaning, and even I'm getting flustered.

After an awkward silence, Azel wrapped his arms around my head and pulled me towards his chest.

Azel: Go to sleep now. Go to sleep immediately. Go to sleep this instant.

Emma: I can't breathe! This isn't going to sleep, it's going to be fainting...!

When I resisted, his grip loosened.

However, he didn't seem to intend to let me go, as his hand snaked around my waist.

This was probably a measure to prevent me from seeing his face, but it only made my body hotter.

(This is exactly the kind of thing that makes people misunderstand...)

Azel: Listen, I'm going to make this clear now.

Azel: All those things I do are for money, and I haven't done a single thing for your sake.

Azel: If you ever say anything about love or whatever again, I'll curse you for generations to come.

(...This is troubling.)

Even though he was saying all those things, Azel's heartbeat told a different story.

Perhaps a God's heart beats faster than a normal person's, but the thump-thump-thump against my forehead was contagious.

(I won't point it out though, or he might actually make me faint.)

Though I didn't feel sleepy at all, I closed my eyes.

Whether unconscious or not, he gently patted my back.

Perhaps it was the God's compassion for me, after I said I couldn't sleep.

(...Being with Azel, I feel like I might find the answer too.)

(To what kind of love I'm yearning for...)

-

(Azel's POV)

Hearing her finally fall asleep, I slightly move my body away.

Unlike before, there's no sign of her waking up, and her unconsciously escaping breaths melt into the desert night.

Azel: ...It's nice that you can sleep so peacefully.

Azel: On the contrary, now I can't sleep.

Even when I complain, there's no reply. I sigh once more and pull the blanket closer.

After I carefully wrap it around her so my lodger won't be exposed to the night chill, she moves away, seemingly preferring the fluffiness of the blanket.

Seeing her hugging the blanket instead of the God, I frown.

Azel: I'm definitely warmer, aren't I?

I worry, hesitate, extend my hand, then retract it, repeating this over and over. After continuing this meaningless conflict, I pull her escaped body back into my arms.

Azel: ...Being with you makes me feel like I've become an idiot.

Azel: ...

Azel: But there's no such thing as a dream that lasts forever.

Azel: Just as the events here will eventually become a dream to you, they will also become a dream to me someday.

Azel: ...I've been through so much pain because of that worthless thing called love.

Azel: At the very least, I hope you can live without knowing that pain.

Azel: If you are loved by someone, that's the beginning of hell.

Like a God praying to a God—I lightly kiss Emma's forehead as she continues to sleep.

.

.

.

Chapter 20

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[lemonxdaisybby]

How about the Legends and Ichigang fellas taking shower by themselves and with their s/o? Just anything that comes up

Hello! Thank you for your request! 💕 Some mild NSFW hcs, hope that’s okay x

I’ve just done Ichigang guys for now because I am v dumb and wasn’t entirely sure who the Legends consisted of. I’m not sure if you mean Kiryu, Majima, Saejima, etc, but also didn’t wanna make any assumptions incase I got it wrong 😭 I’m so sorry, please free to send another request in if you wanna add more characters for this hc 💕

Ichiban:

When showering on his own, Ichi would be a fan of cold showers. He has one each morning, and he finds the cool water tends to wake him up properly, and makes him more alert. He only really has warm showers if he’s feeling ill, or if it’s especially cold out…or if he’s showering with you.

He would be so shy the first time you shower together, as he wouldn’t really know what to do with himself, or where to look. He wouldn’t want to come across as a creep so would actively try to avoid looking at you at first, until you laugh at him and tell him to chill out. Then he’s gonna relax and realise he’s been overthinking the whole thing.

Sometimes, showering with Ichi would end in sex, and other times it would just be completely innocent, with the two of you washing each others hair. There would be no expectations.

You two would probably be a lil goofy in the shower, styling each others hair to make it stick up at odd angles, or creating bubble beards with the shower wash. Very cute and sweet.

Nanba:

Man is frugal, and very conscious of his water/household bills. Showers are gonna be quick, speedy and efficient. He probably would be eager to shower with you because firstly, saves on water and bills, and secondly, he gets to see you naked. There is no down-side.

Likely uses the most basic of shower products. He doesn’t really have a preference for shampoos, soaps or shower gels/washes, and tends to just get whatever is on sale.

Showering together would never really get sexual. Nanba can’t see very well without his glasses, so likely would be a little clumsy when showering, and is definitely not up for attempting to fuck you in there. However, once you two are out the shower, well, that’s another story.

Honestly, showering together would just be quick and no nonsense. There wouldn’t really be any goofing around. He’s there for a purpose, to get clean. No shenanigans.

Adachi:

Hums and sings in the shower. Also, he just really enjoys showers in general? He is so happy when showering, and will always have a lil content smile on his face. Adachi has super hot showers too, the heat relaxes his poor old muscles.

He likely prefers baths, to be honest. As he can just lay back and close his eyes, and maybe even have a beer whilst he bathes.

He has a yellow rubber ducky just sitting on the side of the bath. He bought it because he thought it looked cute and funny. He won’t admit it to anyone, but sometimes after a hard day, when having a bath to de-stress, he finds himself absentmindedly telling the ducky about his problems. He wouldn’t necessarily talk to it, but he’d kinda lean back and just begin venting, glancing at the duck every now and again and telling it how lucky it is, not having to deal with everyday shit.

When showering together, if it’s in one of those shower cubicles, it would be a bit squishy, as he’s so huge and takes up a lot of space. If it’s a shower-head over a bathtub, it’s less squishy but you two will definitely end up fighting about who gets to stand under the shower head.

Horny man, so he probably adores showering with you, and often it does end up with sex. He’d lift you up and have your back pressed against the wall, with your legs wrapped around his hips as he slowly thrusts in to you at a relaxed pace.

Joon-Gi:

Joon-Gi takes hygiene and beauty regimes very seriously. He likely uses the most luxurious shower washes and shampoos ever, and has a careful shower routine to follow. He showers every morning and night.

Showering with Joon-Gi wouldn’t happen often. Showering is like his chill time. He likes to relax, unwind, and allow his mind to go blank. He takes it as an opportunity to pamper himself too.

However, on the occasions where you do shower together, he would help you wash your hair and body. He would not allow you to wash him or his hair though. He’s very particular and likes to do it himself.

He would have been pretty bashful the first time the two of you showered together, not quite knowing what to do with himself, or where to look.

On rare occasions, showering together can result in shower sex, but most of the time, it’s pretty innocent and he’s more focused on getting clean.

Zhao:

Zhao showers every morning, and is likely still half asleep when showering. There has been the odd occasion where he’s almost dozed off whilst standing under the shower head, the feeling of the hot water cascading down his back almost sending him to sleep.

Definitely smooths his hair back under the water like one of those fancy shampoo adverts.

He does jerk off in the shower when showering alone. The hot water has him relaxed, and also it’s easy to clean up after.

When showering together, it’s always going to end up with sex, with only one exception - when you’re ill. If you’re feeling pretty sick and weak, to the point where you’re struggling to walk or carry out daily tasks, he will shower with you. It would be so soft and wholesome. He’d wash your hair and body for you, and then help you dry afterwards. He’d be pretty good at taking care of you when you’re sick.

Any other time you shower together, you’re gonna end up with your front pressed against the cool shower tiles or glass, as he thrusts in to you from behind.

[127-crew]

How they would comfort you

Jack Sparrow:

• Jack Sparrow has a habit of trying to fix problems on his own, and when he wanted to fix whatever had you bothered, you ask him not to, that the best thing he can do for you is just to remain by your side, so he obliges

• Jack will try to get an image of how you’re feeling, but it’s a challenge when it comes to reading body language rather than hear it through words

• Jack isn’t very good at reading others, even you. You always have to tell him, which you honestly didn’t mind doing.

• Jack never was good at offering good advice once you’ve finished telling him. By doing this, Jack seems to be a good listener.

• He offers physical affection, his actions are stronger than words when it comes to you and sometimes that was better, all you need to see that everything is okay and will work out in the end

• Physical affection would include running his fingers lightly through your hair, and that often did the trick in making you feel so relaxed that you begin to doze off

• The next step in physical affection would be taking you into his sleeping quarters and the both of you would be cuddling as he continues to comfort you

• Pulls you close to him

• Promising you in a hushed tone that he would always be there for you

• Once you begin to feel better, you begin to speak

• “Can we stay like this for a little while? It’s nice.”

• Jack would release a small laugh as he agrees to your request

• He loves you to pieces and hated it to see that something has bothered you so much

• Jack had a way of making it all seem not so bad

Hector Barbossa:

• To see you so upset, the very first thing that Barbossa would often think you were upset because of something he has done

• It took a lot for him to finally ask you if it was anything he did and would try to comfort you with apologies before giving you the chance to explain what was going on

• Once you confirmed it had nothing to do with anything he had done, it was a huge relief for him as he tries to help you through whatever was troubling

• Unlike Jack Sparrow, he uses words as a tool for comforting you, he’ll say the sweetest things to you, in which you know he is very sincere and is true to them, no matter how long in time

• “I’m glad you came into my life.” he would say, causing you to blush

• Upon seeing that, he waited until you were ready to tell him what was going on that made you upset

• When you did tell him, he pulls you in his embrace and pulls you close while you continue on telling him

• “I’m here for you.” is how it all starts, and you think it’s the best place to start.

• sometimes he will try and tell you stories from his past adventures

• Your favorite ones to hear about are the ones about Jack Sparrow

• Whenever you feel this way, Barbossa would know how to take care of you and help you to feel better

• He often doesn’t say it, but in this case, he said it again, almost as if he was taking back in time where the two of you confessed feelings for each other

• “I love you, so much.” he would say, followed by your own feelings for him.

• “I love you, too.”

Davy Jones:

• It doesn’t take long for Davy to pick up on the fact that something was wrong, or that something seemed to have upset you and he was determined to get to the bottom of it and find out

• One of the signs he picked up on was the fact that your ability to remember things had seemed to gone out the window

• Next, if you have messed up just the slightest, no matter how small, you seemed to get easily irritated and even close to very emotional, which is very unlike you

• The last part of it was you have suddenly fallen ill, even though the day before you were perfectly healthy

• Of course, Davy didn’t want to find out just by asking so at first, he asks some of the most trusted crew mates to look after you and report back to him if they notice anything

• When that didn’t work, he had no choice but to come right out and ask you, and he worried that it would upset you

• It did a little in the beginning, but you don’t spill everything out at once. So every night as you’re recovering, he comes to visit and you just take baby steps in telling him everything. During that time spent together, you’ve become closer as he gets to know you better

• After learning what’s going on, Davy’s soft spot for you only grew, as he now isn’t afraid to spare you the treatment in front of everyone from now on

• Comfort shows more from his actions than words, but he’s very good at it

• A couple of times, you’ve noticed Davy keeping an eye on you if you’re not close by, he just wants to make sure you’re not in any kind of danger, keeping you safe from harm

• The crew now respects you a little more than they have before

Will Turner:

• If you’re upset about something, it’s easy for him to tell, it’s nearly impossible to hide anything from Will

• He knows just by simply holding your hand brings you calm and comfort, so you’re often seen around holding his hand

• If you have to part ways for even just a few seconds or minutes, he’s always reluctant to leave your side, even with knowing you’d still be there when he returns to you, almost like he never left for a brief moment

• “Don’t go where I can’t follow!” he’d say, but that would be when you go off on your own a little bit

• Hearing Will say that never failed to bring a smile to your face. Upon your return, Will sometimes is overly dramatic with greetings. Usually he greets you with a hug that tells you he thought he’d never see you again.

• You don’t complain, you return the hug before going off with him

• Will was very protective of you, especially during those times you would get upset and often, he would think it was because of something he had done

• “Don’t lie for me, (Y/n).” he’d say.

• You were always truthful with him

• You both work together on looking for ways to get rid of whatever it was that was making you so upset

James Norrington:

• No matter how hard you may try, it was just too easy for James to pick up on the scent that you were very bothered by something

• Once it was confirmed, he would ask you what it was, nearly demanding answers from you

• However, seeing as upset as you were once he started asking, he allowed for you to take all the time in the world that was required of your need to compose yourself just enough to at least.m tell him what was going on

• He refused to leave your side once he knows and tries his best to comfort you in ways he believed would bring you comfort

• And it worked

• You’re hardly leaving his side and he’s hardly ever letting you go out of his sight

• Unlike some, James Norrington was very understanding and sincerely cared

• From than on, he wasn’t afraid to put you first before anything else

• Even though it may have gotten him in trouble a few times, he continued and didn’t care about the trouble it got him in

• You would ask for him to worry about you later, but he wasn’t having it

• “Not a chance in the world.” he’d say.

• Which only made you fall in love with him even more

• It was those awful nightmares that was bothering you, they seemed to never have any plans on ever going away

• If anything, they got worse each time you had one

• One night, you had a real bad one, one that made you scream and thrash around in your sleep

• Of course, that woke James up and he comes to your aid as he begins comforting you

• “I heard you screaming again, is it the nightmares?”

• You nod as you feel like you couldn’t breathe and that’s when James started his mission to comfort you back to sleep

• “Hey, just look at me. Breathe.”

• You did and soon, you started feeling better and laid back down to go back to sleep.

• Just as you were about to enter sleep, you were awakened a short minute at the feel of James Norrington’s hand in yours

• “Hold my hand. You’re going to be fine.”

• “I could use a hug.” you say sleepily.

• The last thing you remember before falling asleep was seeing the smile form on his lips, followed by the feel of him holding you

• Finally, a peaceful sleep takes over

***

@127-crew

[breadlover64]

BINGQIU VS LIUSHEN/ANY OTHER SHIP WITH SQQ PART 1

BEWARE I HAVENT READ SVSSS IN A WHILE AND I MIGHT’VE MISSED SOME STUFF! Feel free to correct and give your opinions about this.

Theres gonna be two parts to this bc tumblr can’t take all my writing sooooo 😛

In the SVSSS fandom, I’ve noticed that compared to other mxtx’s novels, the mc gets shipped with half of the cast more often and is more widely accepted in the fandom compared to the tgcf and mdzs fandoms (if you ship Hualian or Wangxian with anyone, it will get you death threats, istg 😓). However, with Shen Qingqiu, while of course he gets shipped with his love interests, another really popular one is him with Liu Qingge and many other characters in the novel. I do think this also has to do with the fact that the fandom is more chill than the other two fandoms. Shen Qingqiu in general is just VERY shippable. But why? Why do some people like liushen more than bingqiu? Obviously, I know this is simply a preference, but why do people prefer it more than the canon couple? Well, I have some speculations. First, while I love Bingqiu, I can admit that their relationship is not for everyone; even for me, they’re my least favorite main couple of the three (it's just my opinion, DONT ATTACK ME🙏) because their dynamic can be seen as somewhat toxic. Luo Binghe is very obsessive and kind of yandare like in the novel, and yes, he does have character development and regrets his actions and never really wanted to hurt Shen Qingqiu. I personally don’t feel like we see as much of this development until the very end. At least for me, I feel like we should’ve spent more time with a changed Luo Binghe, and I KNOW he was influenced by Xi Mo. I still didn’t feel completely satisfied with the Luo Binghe arc. I do think we see more of his development in the extras, which is what made me like Bingqiu a lot more, but I just wish we could’ve seen this in the main story instead of optional extras because I think the extras really show Luo Binghe’s growth and his love for Shen Qingqiu in a healthier way. I am aware this boy is very mentally ill. While I’m not a writer, as a reader, I think mxtx could’ve done more for him because he can end up more dislikable for some people and just less appealing of a love interest. I personally LOVE Luo Binghe and how chaotic he is, but again, that is not for everyone, so I can definitely see why some people don’t like him as much. With Shen Qingqiu, this is a bit different. I felt that by the end of the novel he had massive progress and huge development for his character; even if he still has his flaws, you can really tell he has changed and grown throughout the story, but he’s still himself if that makes sense. I felt wayyy more satisfied with his arc than Luo Binghe's; however, I will say that Shen Qingqiu has this sort of shame. While I wouldn’t necessarily call it internalized homophobia, he does have this sort of stigma towards gay people and him being gay himself. And while it can be funny, if you really think about it, even by the end of the novel and in the extras he still has this shame of sleeping with Binghe and showing basic affection, but I won’t really criticize this much because he does improve in this a lot by the extras. By that point, it really feels more like shyness than the shame he felt at the beginning when he first discovered Luo Binghe's feelings. So I will argue that Shen Qingqiu arc is pretty well done and concluded by the end of the book; at least to me, it really did feel like he changed. Okay, so the second reason is because Bingqiu got together when they were both still ‘not at their best’. What do I mean by this? Well in tgcf Xie lian had to endure a lot of torture and experience several traumatic situations and almost released face disease and killed a bunch of people with it. He was clearly very mentally unwell! And for Hua Cheng, he also went through a lot of trauma with his mom dying when he was young and the abuse he went through from his father and the kids who made fun of him to the point where he wanted to end his life, and then later he became a ghost with his parasocial attachment to a god. We see these characters at their worst, but when they get together, they are already 800+ years old and have lived a long life and matured and learned from their experiences.

[gynandromorph]

okay for the record i did vote "her parents" because i think parents are like hugely formative and influential relationships you have and remain that way forever especially when they are good parents you feel love and gratitude toward. she literally has been living with them to help w/the household because both of her parents have physically painful disabilities now and her sister has a debilitating mental illness. emily obviously wants to have her own life and start her own family but the family she already has would suffer without her, so she stays. i think she cares about her parents a lot.

that said, if i wanted to play devil's advocate, i could argue for the other two options as well. her parents are obviously getting old, and sometimes you have to just like, start preparing mentally for the fact that they may start losing their minds, your parents start to forget things or get snippier and you're like is this it? is this where the dementia begins? it can be hard not to detach.

as an eldest child you feel an obligation to protect your younger siblings -- in emily's case, it's just the one little sister she has, but it's a very real sense of guilt when they turn out "bad" per se. when they get hurt and it feels like it's your fault. jessie obviously has an inferiority complex compared to her older sister and it becomes Much more obvious once she becomes god and i think those things aren't lost on emily. i can imagine out of any of the 3 options, jessie could evoke the most GUILT, quantitatively and qualitatively. every stupid opinion emily had as a teenager, every fight and hurtful thing she said to her sibling, every time she detached to prioritize her own peer group instead-- it's just decades of things to feel like she could have possibly done something different, and her sister might have not turned out to be the way she is. so i could see this option as viable.

trouble's relationship to emily was the least obvious -- over the course of the story, trouble loses respect for emily as emily tries to treat her more like a person than a dog, because being able to talk puts trouble's sapience on full display. trouble can now say "i don't feel like it" about anything and emily backs down because you can't like, FORCE people to do things just because they're smaller than you. emily has to wonder what the 17 years of trouble's life were like from her perspective, not being able to say anything, not being treated like a person, being told when and what and how much to eat, what to do and how to feel about it, and it's easy for emily to wonder if she did something wrong -- REALLY wrong. trouble is arguably the closest thing she's had to feeling like a parent and i think it would leave some deep impressions on her psychologically to wonder about those things, many memories she has of trouble and what they mean about her as a person or as a hypothetical mother. also, trouble's death wasn't UNDONE; she died, and then became alive again. she remembers dying. she remembers emily taking her to the vet to die! she tells emily (in a sketch comic i never finished) that from her perspective, emily killed her, and she would have chosen to suffer until her body died than to be killed by her caretaker. trouble doesn't really seem to harbor ill will about it, because the one in charge gets to do what they want and make everyone else do what they want. but for emily, that's like an incredibly painful thing to hear from her dog. the side comic is intentionally supposed to hit a very painful hypothetical where your pet thinks you've murdered them after you have them put down in, from your perspective, their best interest. it's a ton of different negative emotions emily can feel all at once! also, trouble calls adam "dad" and evelyn "mom" which is presumably more just assuming those are their names, but i can imagine that also kind of stings. in fact, trouble eventually starts to satellite "mom" instead of emily because evelyn still treats her like a dog and is an authority figure who asserts that in the household.

anyway, sorry for the huge walls of text, this is just a thought experiment more than anything. all in all i think emily is dealt a brutal hand of cards. but she does suffer one of the least tragic fates of anyone in the comic as far as the comic goes.

[starlightshadowsworld]

Differences between Bsd Fifteen (Light Novel) and Bsd Fifteen (subbed anime, season 3 episodes 1-4.)

Tw for suicidal ideation because this is Dazai's introduction.

In both works Mori is talking about the disaster of a situation they're in, what with late shipments and such. Before turning to Dazai.

Anime:

Mori asks Dazai if he thinks they are cut out for this after all.

Dazai, while mixing medication says "come now Mori-san. Not having money, not having intel, not having the trust of your subordinates. You knew it would be like this from the beginning."

Mori calls him mean and questions why he's mixing hypertension and hypotension medication together.

Light Novel:

Mori asks if Dazai's listening to him. Dazai, while mixing medication says he isn't because "your stories are always so boring!"

He than tells Mori he should've seen this all coming from the start. Mori scratches his head in a troubled manner and questions why Dazai's mixing medication.

Anime:

Dazai says he's mixing medication because he thought it would be a comfortable way to die.

Light Novel:

Dazai says he thought it would be amazing if he drank them together and died easily. Mori tells him he won't die, implying it wouldn't kill him. And questions how Dazai got into his medicine cabinet.

Dazai flaps his hands and says "I want to die! I'm so bored, I want to die as easily and simply as possible. By any means, Mori-san!"

Mori tells him if he's a good, mature kid than he'll teach Dazai how to mix the back medicine.

"Lies! You already told me that. A year ago that was the only thing that made me think so hard, and you still never told me! At this rate, I'll betray the organisation." Replies Dazai.

Mori tells him to stop thinking of such ideas "you're a smart kid. If you betray them you know you won't die easily." He also can't help but laugh at that.

"Ah I'm do bored, the world is so boring" Says Dazai. And we're told Dazai is not a subordinate of Mori nor the Port Mafia, nor a hidden child, or an orphan or a medical assistant.

Both:

The only thing that comes close to describing Dazai and Mori's relationship is that it was a fateful encounter.

Mori tells Dazai that he was the only one there when he inherited the previous Boss's seat. "You're a witness to his will, I can't have you dying so frivolously."

Anime:

Flashback to the former Port Mafia Boss's death. That he was giving ridiculous orders and out of his mind. Mori killed him and framed it as the Boss succumbing to his illness.

Stating the man's last order was for Mori to inherit his position. And Dazai was the only witness to this so called exchange.

Both:

Dazai tells Mori he made an error.

Anime:

Mori says that he made no error, that he and Dazai were successful in their mission together.

Dazai says that "the mission isn't complete until those were involved in the assassination are all silenced.

To that end I was the perfect accomplice. Even if I ended my life in a suicide of unknown motivation after you became Boss thanks to my testimony, no one would suspect a thing."

There's a silence between them before Mori tells Dazai he reminds him of someone.

Light Novel:

Mori asks Dazai what he means by him making an error. Dazai tells him he was smart to choose a suicidal accomplice "but even after a year I am still alive. Thanks to you, the seeds of anxiety won't dissappear."

For a moment Mori feels like ice is being pressed against his internal organs. He asks Dazai once again, what he means.

"I know there's a certain anxiety, anxiety about whether the previous Boss's assassination was leaked." All through this conversation Dazai's expression is unreadable.

Mori argues that they worked out a great strategy together a year ago. Also comments he'd never do it again because it was difficult.

Dazai says the strategy isn't complete until the person involved with the strategy and the forgery's mouth is sealed.

Mori feels like Dazai can see through him, there's terror inside of him that he's made a miscalculation: that Dazai should never have been made his accomplice.

"Right? To that end I was the perfect accomplice. Even if I ended my life in a suicide of unknown motivation after you became Boss thanks to my testimony, no one would suspect a thing."

They stare at each other in silence before Dazai says "what? It's fun to annoy authorities with troubling ideas, it's my new entertainment" with a silent, haunted look.

Mori observes him before unintentionally saying "you remind me of someone."

Both:

Dazai asks who and Mori doesn't answer him.

Anime:

"If I was going to silence you. I would have done it long ago. If you really want I can prepare something that'll end your life comfortably." Says Mori.

"Really?" Asks Dazai as Mori opens up a drawer "in exchange, I want to ask you to do a quick investigation."

Light Novel:

Mori gave a small smile and lowered his head slightly. "Don't tease your horns and make fun of adults. Have I sealed you up? I don't think so. If I was going to do that, I would have done it already.

It's easier than breathing. How many times do you think I stopped your suicide attempts this year? That's hard you know. Have you done something similar to the hero of a movie and released a bomb under a chair?"

Mori's inner monologue is just "Dazai can't die" because their are those in the Port Mafia who still support the previous Boss. And their are rumours his death was planned.

Mori tells Dazai that if you want it that much, he can give him some medicine that will give him comfortable death. "But I want to ask for a little research."

Both:

Mori writes something down and tells Dazai that it's not a big job and there is no danger. But that Dazai is the only one he can ask.

Dazai says it sounds sketchy.

Mori tells him that he's sure Dazai knows of Suribachi city. A certain someone has emerged in this vicinity. And he wants Dazai to investigate said rumour, giving him what is known as the Silver Oracle/Silver Messenger.

Something that if shown to any Port Mafia member, they will do whatever he asks. Dazai questions who this person is and Mori tells him to guess.

Anime:

Dazai says "a rumour that's harmful just by spreading... I see. So that's what going on, it's the previous Boss isn't it?

Light Novel:

Dazai stared at Mori for a while before speaking. "... There's no doubt that the Mafia's highest authority is worried about the rumour of the city.

It's an important rumour that cannot be thrown away. And if it's a rumour bad enough for the Silver Oracle to be used, it's probably the rumours themselves not the people spreading them.

Rumours where the truth must be confirmed and the source must be crushed. Rumours that do harm just by spreading.

And if the reason is to use me than an excellent subordinate, there can only be one person. What appeared was the previous Boss?"

Both:

Mori confirms his answer and remarks that some people can't be allowed to rise from the grave. Dazai takes the Silver Oracle, tells Mori to make him that medicine and is officially welcomed to the Port Mafia.

Light Novel:

Mori tells Dazai he reminds him of himself with vague sadness. And thinks about needing an assistant.

He was a secretary, a sword, an excellent right arm. And above all what you needed to be a street doctor, traitor and a power snatcher was a trusted subordinate.

One who didn't keep secrets, who understands himself, who keeps waving alone at the top of the iceberg. A mistake called Dazai invited by Mori.

He remarks to himself errors aren't always had, as Dazai was intended to be a disposable stone but has turned out to be oversized.

Anime:

Dazai asks who he reminds Mori of, Mori smirks says myself.

Both scenes end with Mori asking Dazai why it is he wants to die. To which Dazai replies "tell me this. Do you truly believe there's any value in the act of living?"

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.191 So long

I tossed and turned last night, and I don't think Sophia got much sleep either. We were so anxious and eager to move into our new home; it's all we could talk about for the rest of the night. Even Desiree had trouble falling asleep. At an appropriate hour, we hopped out of bed, got ready, and had breakfast. Just as we prepared to head out, I received a frantic call from our tenants. They said a toilet was spewing out sewage! I had to get over there right away, but I was very skeptical. Dad and I had no maintenance problems when we lived there, but now they're saying there's some kind of leak? The house was old when he bought it, so it could just be something that would have happened anyway, but I don't think that's the case. I bet they clogged the toilet and now it won't stop running. They better not be flushing diapers.

Jilliana met me at the door and told me where to find the problem as if I didn't know. Owen was in the bathroom trying and failing at cleaning up the mess, and I appreciated the effort.

"How did this happen?" I ask.

"I don't know! One minute I'm sitting here reading the paper and the next it's all coming back at me!"

So, what he's really saying is he uses too much toilet paper. Got it.

"Alright. I'll get it sorted," I said.

That was his cue to leave, but he stands over me as I attempt to decide where to begin. I'm no stranger to the wrench anymore, but I've never fixed a toilet before. And let's not forget how disgusting this entire situation is on top of being watched. I feel ill-equipped to handle this on my own, but I owe it to myself to try, however, so I give it a whirl before calling in a professional.

Without knowing how to start, I treat it just like every other sink I've unclogged. Toilets have plumbing just like sinks do, so surely the mechanics are the same. I get going, all the while trying to avoid getting drenched by the literal shit storm. I can't tell what's worse: a deluge of adult sewage or the smelliest poopy diaper. At some point, Owen sees how useless he is and leaves me alone. I felt much better without eyes on me and keep at it until I eventually stop the leak.

I'm so proud, not just because I avoided getting showered, but because I figured it out. I crushed it! Dad would be so proud of me right now. With the flood stopped, all that's left to do is clean up and leave. I thought about leaving the mess for them to clean up, but I could already see the ratings drop and the negative review. Besides, this is still my house, and the only one who's going to care for it properly is me.

Before leaving, I told the Sages I'm going to do a walk-through and make sure everything else is in order. They were having a nice family moment with their twins and kind of ignored me, so I did what I needed to do. Besides, it was kinda nice to see them in better spirits because first impressions last a long time.

The other bathroom and kitchen sink appeared to be in working order, which made my theory about the toilet paper and/or diaper flushing even stronger. If they call me again soon with the same problem, I know something.

I left them and returned home to gather my family and bid farewell to the house of my dreams. For so long, this house consumed my thoughts. I'd never been so focused or devoted to achieving something before. In the beginning, I had no idea how I'd ever be able to afford such a home, but I manifested it and made it happen. Now, I must close this chapter and move onto the next. We're leaving behind so many memories here, some good, and some bad ones too, but they all make up our story. We wouldn't be the sims we are today without the good, bad, and ugly, so it is with great gratitude that I leave this place. So long, Parkside Place in Hopewell Hills. You've been very good to us.

[scarabsinthestardust]

Tender // Ch. 8

MASTERLIST

word count: 4300+

Friends, this has been a wild rollercoaster ride. I can't begin to explain how appreciative I am of the readers that stuck with me on this one (and the ones who gave it a shot, even if you didn't keep reading). With that being said, this is the last chapter of Tender. HOWEVER, it is not the end of the story, and it is not the last time we will see Finn. Things are going to get much worse before they get better, but good things are coming Josh's way. (I promise I'll stop bullying him soon ;-;) Keep an eye out for the next installment in this shitshow, Right on Time.

CHAPTER WARNINGS: language; angst; social drinking; alcoholism; mentions of rehab; post-traumatic stress disorder; other unspecified undiagnosed mental illness; fever; vomiting; nightmares; mentions of previous child abuse; some scary images; unintentional self-harm; dissociating; mentions of cheating; toxic and manipulative behavior; physical violence; domestic abuse; fisticuffs; injuries; blood; panic attack; desire to die but not necessarily suicidal ideation

When I was in rehab, the psychiatrist alluded to the possibility that I had post-traumatic stress disorder. I had gotten defensive, telling him he was grasping at straws and just trying to get me diagnosed with something so they could pump me full of drugs. The more he pestered me, trying to pry into my life and delve into my childhood, the angrier I got, until I eventually blew up on him. I didn’t get physically violent, but I said quite a lot of hurtful things to the man, who was just trying to do his job.

Some time later, when Josh was fast asleep and I couldn’t get my mind to shut up, I got curious and did some of my own research.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that is caused by an extremely stressful or terrifying event – either being part of it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Once I started reading about it, I couldn’t stop. I just kept digging that hole deeper and deeper.

Emotional numbness. Avoidance. Hypervigilance. Sleep issues. Difficulty concentrating. Feelings of hopelessness. Negative thoughts about oneself or the world. Ongoing negative emotions such as fear, anger, guilt, or shame. Feeling detached or numb. Irritability and having angry outbursts. Behaving recklessly or in a self-destructive way.

I didn’t care to look through the treatment, because in my mind, that meant I would have to admit the psychiatrist was right. It would mean I was actually sick, that there was something legitimately wrong with me and it wasn’t all in my head. But the part that scared me the most was it meant Josh wouldn’t be able to save me.

~

“You’re burning up, baby.” Josh frets as he feels my forehead with the back of his hand. “Hang on, let me find the thermometer.”

“I’m fine,” I try to reassure him, but I’m fatigued and don’t have the energy to make it convincing. I close my eyes and will the pounding in my head to stop. Josh returns with a thermometer, a glass of water, and Tylenol.

“101.1. We’ll have to watch it. If it gets higher, I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“I don’t want to go to the fucking hospital,” I mumble.

“If it gets worse, I’m not giving you a choice. Here.”

I take the pills without too much of a struggle and chug the water before lying back down. “I just need sleep.”

“I know, babe. Get some rest. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” He kisses my head and leaves me alone to sleep off whatever bug I caught.

My sleep is fitful and plagued with nightmares. Every time I drift off, I end up in the same place – at the front steps of that godforsaken house, in the dark shade of trees I never wanted to see again. Sometimes it’s quiet and empty, abandoned and dilapidated. Other times, I see a light on inside, the ugly yellow lamplight I’d grown to hate. My heart drops when the front door creaks open and she steps out, a bundle of leather straps in her hand. I try to run but my legs won’t move. I’m too weak to fight her off, as if I’m a child again, just trying to survive the wrath of a sick and deluded mother.

A part of me knows I’m dreaming, but everything seems so real. She drags me up the steps and through the front door before everything goes dark. I know we came into the house, but now I don’t know where I am. The cellar, maybe? It’s all very unclear. There are things clawing at me, tearing into my skin; I can’t tell if it’s her or something else, something inhuman. There are things wrapping around my limbs, pulling me in different directions, making my joints burn from the strain. I make another attempt to run, but I stumble and fall, my face hitting the cold, hard ground. I feel the weight of something crawling on top of me, hot breath in my ear, something wet being dragged along my neck, and a boy’s voice that is unknown but somehow familiar…

I’m drenched in sweat when I wake up but still can’t help the shiver that runs down my spine. I can taste blood in my mouth. Everything is spinning and the nausea hits me full force. I jump up and stumble to the bathroom, just in time to empty the meager contents of my stomach into the toilet.

Josh must have heard the noise, and I hear his rushed footsteps approaching. I blindly reach up to flush the toilet and rest my head on my arm. I’m not quite quick enough and I can hear the panic in Josh’s voice. “Fuck, are you throwing up blood?!” He drops to the floor next to me and tries to lift my head.

“I think I just bit my tongue. I’m okay.”

“Jesus, what the hell did you do to your neck? Did you scratch yourself?” He stands to find a washcloth. While he’s holding it under the running water, I reach up to touch the side of my neck, where I can feel three decent sized scratches. My skin burns and there is blood on my hand when I pull away.

Josh gets to work cleaning them up and I sit silently, letting him take care of it. I’m still in a haze, where nothing feels quite real yet. He puts another cool, wet washcloth on the back of my neck and feels my forehead again. “You still feel really warm,” he says. “Finn, I know you don’t want to, but I think you should go see a doctor.”

I groan and shoot him a glare. “Not fucking happening.”

“I’m worried about you,” he whispers.

“Don’t be.” I avoid his eyes as I sit up, moving the cold compress to my forehead, and promptly leaning against the wall. I’m not ready to move yet, much less try to walk anywhere. I can’t even formulate enough of a thought to string together anymore words that make sense. When I try to speak to Josh, my speech is slurred, which only makes him more concerned. The only thing I’m sure of is I don’t want to go back to sleep. I don’t want to go back to that place.

Still, I let josh help me back to the bedroom, once I’m sure I won’t vomit again. He leaves a small trash can next to the bed, though, just in case, and a fresh glass of water on the nightstand. I consider asking him to stay, but I’m vaguely aware that I’m still sweating like a stuck pig and in desperate need of a shower. I also don’t want to give him whatever bug I have, assuming he hasn’t caught it already.

I fight sleep as hard as I can, but I don’t have the energy to win that battle. Over the course of the next two days, I am stuck in this blurry, dream-like state. I’m in and out of consciousness and mostly unable to differentiate between the two. I’m only slightly aware of Josh checking in on me, offering food and medicine. I should be grateful he’s here, putting everything on hold to take care of me, but I find myself wishing I was alone.

The fever does finally break, but I still have no answer for what brought it on in the first place. Josh doesn’t get sick, so whatever it is must not be that contagious. Or maybe I did it to myself. Maybe all the terrible things I’ve done are finally catching up to me, whether it’s karma or some god I don’t believe in.

Even though my body is starting to recover, my mind doesn’t feel right. I think I’m stuck in a dissociative state. It’s like I’m watching from the sidelines, with no real control over myself, but I’m all too heedful about how dangerous this can be, and how dangerous I can be. Josh is still fretting over my well-being, but when I look at him, it feels like I’m looking at a stranger. His home, that should be familiar and comforting, is foreign to me. I don’t really know how to explain it; it’s almost as if that part of my brain that knows him, that loves him, has been disconnected. I want out, but I don’t know how, and it terrifies me that I don’t understand why. I’ve wanted nothing in my entire life as much as I’ve wanted him. I went to rehab for him. And now I feel suffocated. Maybe I just need space, and perhaps I could simply ask him for it, but when have I ever done the simple thing? So I ask him to go to the store to grab me something, and while’s he’s gone, I pack a bag and run.

~

JOSHUA

“C’mon, it’ll be fun. And you need to get out of the house.”

Josh stood in the kitchen, pretending to search his cabinets for something to cook, and sighed at Sam’s insistence. “I can’t. What if Finn-“

“Fuck Finn,” spat Jake. “It’s been three weeks. If he wanted to be here, he would be. You need to stop worrying about someone who can’t even spare you a fucking phone call.” Jake was done pretending, done being civil for Josh’s sake. Too many times he’d watched his brother cry over a guy that wasn’t worth his time.

“Yeah,” Sam agreed. “Way I see it, you have every right to let loose and have a little fun. Hell, go get laid.”

Josh snorted. “I’m not gonna do that.”

“Why not? He probably is.” Sam didn’t mean for his words to sound so insensitive, and guilt washed over him at the look on Josh’s face. “Sorry, that was shitty,” he mumbled.

“I’m just saying, maybe you need to move on from this. He’s not good for you.”

“He’s sick, Jake. It’s not his fault.”

“He’s using it as an excuse to treat you like shit,” Jake scoffed. He stepped closer to Josh when he didn’t respond and placed a hand on his twin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. We’re just worried about you. Whatever the hell Finn’s going through, he’s got to figure it out. You can’t fix him, and you can’t let him drag you down with him.”

Josh mulled over his brothers’ words for days. He was hurting. He felt abandoned and lost. He couldn’t wrap his head around why Finn would just leave; they hadn’t argued, and he’d been doing so good at working to stay sober. But Josh could tell something had been off when his boyfriend fell ill, he just didn’t know what and frankly, was too afraid to address it. He reached a point where he thought he’d be okay if this was really the end of their relationship, but the uncertainty was killing him. He prayed for some type of closure, anything to solidify what he thought was already happening – Josh was losing him.

Thursday marked four weeks since he’d seen or heard from Finn, and Saturday he agreed to tag along to a house party with his brothers. They had pestered him about it until he finally just gave in to the peer pressure. It seemed wrong; he felt guilty for attending a party while Finn was still MIA, but Jake was right. He probably needed to at least think about moving on.

The party was on the other side of town, hosted by one of Daniel’s friends. Most of the attendees were people Josh had never met in his life. He wasn’t even sure what the occasion was, if there was one. There was a big enough turnout that it was difficult to move through the crowd without bumping into someone. The music was loud; partygoers had to practically yell to be heard over it. It reminded him of a stereotypical college frat party. Josh started by cracking into the seemingly endless supply of alcohol, in hopes it would help him relax a little.

He stuck with Jake at first, mingling with a few people and finding his bearings until he felt comfortable enough to wander off on his own. Between the alcohol and the good company, he began to unwind. He got roped into a game of beer pong, which he drastically lost, but more importantly, he was having fun. If nothing else, it was a very welcome distraction from all the pain and stress he’d been suffering of late.

Hours flew by in a flash. Josh found himself actually enjoying the socialization, joking and laughing with some newfound friends. Since Finn had disappeared, he’d been compulsively checking his phone every chance he got, but he hadn’t looked at it in hours. He didn’t even notice it buzzing in his pocket.

It was getting late, the night starting to creep into the hours when most people are in bed. Some of the guests had begun to filter out but there was still a significant crowd. A few of them were passed out in whatever empty spots they could find. Danny and Sam were playing a card game with a few friends when Danny saw something that made him do a double take. He tapped Sam’s leg to get his attention.

“Am I imagining things, or is that Finn?”

Sam scanned the room until he found who his boyfriend was looking at. “Nope, definitely Finn. Did he talk to Josh?”

“How else would he have known where we are?” Daniel frowned. “I don’t have a good feeling about this, Sammy.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

The pair excused themselves from their card game and stood to look for Josh. “Shit, where’d he go?” Finn had disappeared from Danny’s view so quickly he wondered if he’d imagined it. They found Jake first and pulled him aside to let him know what they saw.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he swore.

Josh was on the opposite side of the house, drinking and chatting with some newfound friends. At the sight of recognizable red hair in his periphery, his head shot towards it. “What…?” When his eyes met Finn’s, his heart dropped. In a matter of seconds, his confusion and shock turned into anger, and he jumped up to make his way to his boyfriend (or whatever he was now). He didn’t give Finn a chance to speak before he grabbed the taller man’s arm and was practically dragging him to the back patio door.

Most of the guests stayed inside due to the cold weather, so the deck was mostly empty. The air nipped at Josh’s nose and fingers; he’d forgotten to grab his jacket but that was the least of his concerns right now. “Finn, what the fuck are you doing here? How did you even know I was here?” Josh was fighting to keep his voice hushed to not attract the attention of any nosy onlookers.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll explain everything, but… not here.” He looked around at his surroundings, feeling very uncomfortable about the number of strangers nearby. “Can we go?” He reached out for Josh’s hand, but Josh pulled away.

“No. You don’t get to ghost me for four weeks then come back and call the shots. You tell me now, or you leave.”

“Josh, c’mon. I don’t want to do this here. And you’re drunk. Let’s just-“

Josh cut him off with a scoff. “I’m drunk? I’m not the one with the fucking problem! Don’t pretend like I can’t smell it all over you!”

Finn gritted his teeth. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t understand.”

“Of course I don’t understand, because you won’t talk to me! You’d rather just run away. You’d rather disappear and leave me with no idea where you are, if you’re dead or alive, who you’re fucking.” He choked out the last few words, his emotions getting the better of him. “Do you have any idea what that does to me? How much that hurts?”

He expected Finn to get defensive, to swear up and down that he never cheated, but silence speaks louder than words sometimes, and Josh took a step back. “Seriously?” He dropped his gaze to the ground for a moment, then fixed it back on Finn. If he was going to do this, he was going to look the other man in the eye. “I think we’re done. You should go.”

“You can’t… you can’t just abandon me, Josh. I need you.”

“No, you need help. Help that I can’t give you.”

“Don’t do this. I’ll get better. I can still get better. I just need more time. It won’t happen again, I can-“

“Stop. You say that every time, ya know. And it keeps happening. I can’t keep doing this.” There was a knot tightening up in Josh’s stomach and his chest ached. He hated this feeling; he never wanted to hurt Finn, but he knew it was something he had to do. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Finn. I stayed with you when… when I probably shouldn’t have because I love you. I gave so much to you. But I gave you everything I have, and I don’t have anything left. I need to take care of myself for a little while, okay?”

A multitude of emotions ran through Finn as he processed the other man’s words. It was like a spinning game show wheel and when it finally stopped, the little arrow landed on rage. He didn’t really plan on reacting the way he did, but once he started moving, he couldn’t stop himself.

Neither one of them noticed that Jake, Sam, and Daniel had found them and were making their way outside. So, when Finn’s fist collided with Josh’s jaw, any calmness that was left in the atmosphere completely dissipated. As Josh stumbled backwards, Jake lunged and landed a few blows of his own on Finn. He wasn’t as strong, but he was certainly fast and could do a decent amount of damage. Sam rushed to check on his oldest brother as Daniel tried to wrestle the other two men apart. Some bystanders had begun to file outside to get a better look at what was causing the commotion.

Everything happened so fast, but at the same time, to Josh, it seemed like it was happening in slow motion. He could taste blood in his mouth where his lip split and his jaw was throbbing. His voice cracked as he yelled for them to stop, and his cheeks were wet with salty tears he didn’t even realize were falling. Sam held him back as he tried to get to them, begging them to quit fighting. He didn’t know if he was more worried about Jake or Finn.

Danny managed to separate the two men, and he shoved Finn away to create some distance. He prepared himself to block (or take) some more blows, but they didn’t come. Finn stood back, chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. He held the back of his hand under his broken and bleeding nose. Jake, still livid, made a move to close the breadth between them again, but was held back by Danny. He was sporting what would eventually be a black eye and his knuckles were bruised and cut open. Finn looked between the two in front of him, Sam behind them, and realized he was outnumbered.

Josh was suddenly all too aware of the group of partygoers that were staring at them like it was some kind of free show. “Jake?”

Jake hesitated, not wanting to take his eyes off of Finn, but slowly turned to face his twin. Noticing Josh’s injury had him seeing red all over again. His base instinct was to go after Finn for a second time, to keep hitting him until he was sure he wouldn’t get back up, but the look on Josh’s face kept him still. It was a silent question, a plea: Can we go home?

He glared back at the redheaded man, mostly for good measure. “You ever touch my brother again, I’ll fucking kill you.”

Finn spat blood out of his mouth. “This is your fault, Josh. You did this.”

Sighing, Josh answered quietly, “No, you did this to yourself. I hope you can get some help.” He didn’t wait for a response before turning and walking away, his brothers close behind.

He wasn’t interested in going home; he wanted to be with his brother, where he felt safe. He also figured Finn would return sooner or later to get his belongings that he left at Josh’s house.

The car ride back to Jake’s was quiet, save for the music coming through the speakers. When the four of them entered the house, Kya was on the couch. “Hey, you guys are back early. What… holy shit, what happened?” She took in the twins separate wounds and bruises and frantically stood.

“Finn happened,” grumbled Jake, walking past her and into the kitchen.

Josh offered her a sad smile. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s over.”

Jake returned with an ice pack and shooed Josh into the downstairs bathroom.

“What about your hands?” Josh asked as he sat on the toilet lid and held the ice pack on his jaw.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll take care of it after.” He got to work cleaning Josh’s busted lip and applied some antibiotic ointment. The silence was unsettling; it was never like Josh to be this quiet. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just… I feel so stupid.”

Jake sighed and leaned up against the countertop, crossing his arms. “It’s not your fault. And don’t let him make you think it is.”

“I knew he wasn’t good for me. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I had the balls to leave the first time.”

As Jake registered the words, he stared at Josh, face painted with concern and anger. “The first time? He’s hit you before?”

Josh kept his eyes on the ground as he spoke. “He’s never decked me like this, but he… yeah.” He hadn’t wanted anyone to know what really happened. In truth, he was humiliated for letting it get to this point. But he’d resigned himself to the fact he couldn’t hide it from Jake anymore. He briefly recounted what really happened when he hurt his arm, and the incident before he went to New York, along with a few others he had swept under the rug in hopes that if he pretended they didn’t happen, they would just go away. “Don’t tell mom, please. She’s gonna ask why we broke up. I don’t want her to worry.”

Jake silently agreed, not really knowing the right words to say. He knew nothing he said would change anything. The only thing he could do was be a steady hand for his twin to hold onto while he healed, physically and mentally, however long that took. Jake wrapped his arms around him and held Josh’s head as the sheer anguish the older twin felt hit him like a freight train, and he was no longer able to hold back his violent sobs.

~

I’m sitting in my car, pulled off to the side of a dark, empty roadway. My knuckles ache and my nose is definitely broken, so clogged with dried blood that I can’t breathe out of it. I don’t know what compelled me to hit him like that. I’m disgusted with myself. I never wanted to turn into this person, this worthless, poor fucking excuse for a man. I never wanted to turn into them, into the very people I hate. When I was old enough to understand it, I made a promise to myself that I would break the cycle, but clearly, I already failed.

I put all my energy into wishing I had been better for him, that I had taken care of him like he deserves instead of hurting him. I tell myself I would have done things differently if I could do it all over again, but I don’t know if that’s true. I see his face every time I close my eyes, and the way he looked at me. He will never trust me again.

I check the tracker app on my phone. No data found. He must have figured it out and deleted it. With a frustrated scream, I throw my phone against the dashboard so hard it breaks. I ignore the shooting pain in my hands as I slam them on the steering wheel. I tried so hard to love him. Why did he have to throw it in my face like that? I know I fucked up, but he has to know that I only did those things because he drove me to. And setting his brother on me? That was a low blow. Things could have been different, if he’d been strong enough.

No, that’s not right. I know this isn’t his fault, and I’ve never been able to comprehend why I keep trying to convince myself otherwise. I’m suddenly short of breath; it feels like something is squeezing the shit out of my lungs. My vision blurs and my fingertips are going numb. I think, for a moment, that I’m having a heart attack, and maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. I can’t feel guilty if I’m dead. I can’t hurt him if I’m gone. I lean back and close my eyes, begging my heart to simply stop beating. It doesn’t, of course. It’s just a panic attack, and it eventually fades, when my brain physically cannot handle being in emergency mode anymore.

///

I stay in this spot all night, in the dark, freezing Tennessee winter. I’ll pass out at some point, and will sleep it off, the only thought in my mind – I’m not ready to let him go.

TAGLIST

Let me know if you want to be added!

@hollyco @fleetingjake @musicislove3389 @hailthegodsong @josh-iamyour-mama @katuschka @lilbitx

[crushedsweets]

SUCKER suckerrrr snap out of it by arctic monkeys is sooo ninakate suckerr trust

i'm so ill. my hands shake and crack as i imagine ninakate living out their life. give me a moment to process. as per usual, im writing this as if i was planning out a one-shot song-fic.

someone remind me to do this with kill the director eventually

ok to begin. the song is from kates perspective to nina.. im imagining its after theyve had their weird little 'meaningless' kisses. IN THIS STORY, SHE KINDA LINGERS BACK TO JEFF ON AND OFF... also this is mostly sad theres barely a good ending im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry

nina is well integrated into the kate, clocky, toby, EJ friend group by this point. but every time she spends a few weeks trying to "work things out" with jeff, she's completely off in her own world. she withdraws from her friends, half cuz she's so focused on 'fixing' the doomed relationship and half cuz she's so embarrassed that she keeps going back and i think that shit is SOUL CRUSHING to kate. she hasn't had feelings for someone since . . . lauren . . . and she finally gets fragments of romance again, only for nina to constantly wander off after leading her on. also heavy on the 'fell in love, or near enough' cuz what nina and jeff has is not love 'i gotta tell you the truth' its eating kate alive. she doesnt really talk emotions and she never tells people what to do, but she just wants to scream bro.

i think toby, clocky, and ej have already exhausted themselves telling nina to give it up. EJ has tried gentle pieces of advice, clocky has bickered back and forth, and toby has outright screamed at nina to STOP GOING BACK TO HIM. and none of it did anything. but kate doesnt tell people what to do. the most she would do is raise a brow at nina and sigh and shake her head. i think this would eventually be a good bonding moment for kate and toby, where she confides in him about feeling like she missed her shot. toby tells her that she's never gonna 'miss her shot' ... especially w a girl as messy as nina...cuz evidently jeff did all that and still didnt miss HIS shot. LMFAO... but he'd encourage kate to get her shit together and just talk to nina about it. and for some reason nobody listens to tobys damn advice so kate just sits and waits.

ok this is just very straightforward. kate is constantly mulling over it and pissed and sad and bummed out. (oddly enough, tobys relieved to see her stressing over crushes instead of like.... being torn apart from the inside by a cryptic entity)

'it sounds like settling' down or givin' up, but it don't sound much like you, girl' OK i think this line works for kate AND nina.

toby would be saying something like this to kate. its kind of warped, cuz i think when kates in the chaser mode, she does not give up. she is persistent and she attacks with a goal. he's watched the chaser run to the brink of exhaustion, to the point where kate was bed ridden afterwards. SO WHY WOULD SHE GIVE UP ON SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS A GIRL ?!?!?!

and in turn, kate would be thinking this towards nina. settling down doesnt seem like nina. giving up is also not like nina cuz she is also quite persistent until feelings fade... which frustrates kate cuz she gets stuck in this loop of 'even if she were to leave jeff, why would she settle for me? why would she stay with me? there's no point in getting deeper into this'

kate would eventually have to snap, as stories go. grabbing nina and confessing, going on about how fucking dumb nina is being. honestly, kate would probably accidentally choke out things she heard from EJ, clocky, and toby all scolding nina... which would either upset nina, or feel like a full circle moment where FINALLYYYYY all the shit that she's been told all this time has come together. and finally she can be like oh.... this is really embarrassing for me...... also oh my god wait

the idea of kate writing nina a letter. oh my god. wait. GUSY WAIT FUCK KATE WRITING NINA A LETTER WAIT FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK KATE WRITES HER A LETTER THATS CANON NOW IM SORRY IM SORRY IMSORRY

[eleanorpowers]

Andrew Minyard Day 1:

This song is basically the reason I started this countdown in the first place. It is so heartbreakingly Andrew, a story developing clearly in my mind, beginning when Andrew is just a kid.

I wanna be ten feet tall I wanna grow big red horns Fingers covered in thorns That pierce everything I wanna be ten feet tall I wanna eat fire and snow I wanna scare everyone

here's where little Andrew's story begins. A kid, failed over and over and over again by the people in his life who should be his ultimate protectors. A kid, who's only ever seen the world through the lens of him vs everyone else.

A kid, who cannot imagine a protector, only the strength to protect himself.

So that's what he imagines. Being a huge, scary creature that no one would ever think to hurt, because he is far too scary to approach. Of course he would want that. And he isn't aware of what this will do to any future relationships, because why would he? He's never seen what a healthy one looks like, not in relation to himself. The only world where Andrew Minyard is safe is the one where he scares the entire world away.

And the worst part is he's a little right, isn't he?

I want to collect swords Stab my walls when I'm bored Wear clothes made of old socks Which are missing their pairs I wanna be ten feet tall I wanna eat fire and snow I wanna scare everyone

Repetition, a reinforcement of the ideas that will keep him alive until he is the thing that everyone fears. And perhaps there is something else here, something about "missing their pairs". Maybe its Aaron, who he'll fight to keep out of his life if it means keeping him safe. Maybe it's taking pride in his inability to belong, in his prickly hostility that drives everyone away. Maybe in his mind he is succeeding at what he set out to do.

Climb over the circus walls Finally feel at home cotton candy floss Haunted houses ghosts i wanna feed the ducks I wanna eat some stones sink down to the bed Finally feel at home finally feel at home Finally feel at home finally feel at home

In my mind this is when Andrew trespasses or breaks and enters and gets sent to juvie to get away from Drake and Cass. Finding comfort in an empty amusement park, having a moment of pure freedom before the relief that will come when he is finally locked away from his abuser.

And in these moments comes a quiet yearning inside of himself for somewhere he can feel at home. Maybe he'll never have it. But he doesn't care, he tells himself, as long as he is safe and the few people he cares about are.

My teeth falling out again The dentist called my name I didn't answer him i feel it in my guts I'd tear them piece by piece But I don't care enough For Centre Thirty Three

Living with Nicky and Aaron, away from Drake, and rid of Tilda. He hasn't met Bee yet. He doesn't want a shrink. And he's done it, he's chased away anyone who could possibly get close to him. Doesn't even care enough to answer the dentist when his name is called. He understands he's self destructive, but when it's kept him alive for this long, how could he trust anything else to do the same or more for him?

Now I wanna be ten feet tall With big red horns Five star banquet twenty course I got no friends i feel so ill I'm so dang tall and growing still

Palmetto State. Against the odds he's been able to get Aaron and Nicky an education, get them out of rock bottom. He still doesn't see himself getting anywhere beyond that, but it doesn't matter. He shoves down deep any feeing of loneliness, it's easier when he's in a drug infused haze 90% of the time and sick from withdrawals the other 10%.

And still there's little Andrew, peeking through in that last line. He isn't ten feet tall, he is literally exactly half of that, but he's stronger, strong enough to protect them. it's a sign that whether he knows it or not, little Andrew is still very much there and calling the shots, driven by a desire for safety in the only way he knows how.

I wanna be ten feet tall I wanna grow big red horns Fingers covered in thorns That pierce everything I wanna be ten feet tall I wanna eat fire and snow I wanna scare everyone

And we end with that mantra, over and over. Because of course, at the beginning of the series Andrew is just as empty as when he was a kid. Still driven by that desire to keep himself safe, and keeping himself safe means blocking everyone out. If only there was striking runaway to come and sweep him off his feet... after Andrew knocks the air out of his lungs, of course.

[meowzerswowzers]

Da big Shadow AU design doc

Decided to put together a little design document for my Shadow Is The Main Character AU. Most of this contains old art I've already posted, but it's helpful to put it side by side with the info for visual clarity.

Shadow is the protagonist au:

just a fun "what if" alternate history for sonic as a series. What if Shadow was the series' main character? How would it shape the tone and story of Sonic?

The Thesis:

To me, a lot of Sonic is about meeting people and helping them overcome their struggles. For Shadow, I picture the inverse. The people Shadow meets makes him a better person. Think a Yusuke Urameshi sort of journey.

Color palette identity:

Sonic is characterized with a lot of primary colors. It gives me the feeling of a bright waterpark. There's a lot of beachside imagery in Sonic that lends to this too.

For Shadow, something darker but not bleak is a good equivalent. Like those fun arcade carpets. If the idea is the series is still created in the 90s, but with Shadow as title character, the tone should reflect the sort of in-vogue imagery of the time.

Shadow's 2000s style COOL wasn't a thing yet. It would be something a little different...

Here's a scene I never fully colored, but it + my reference images kinda help get the idea across.

The Story:

Shadow's backstory largely remains the same. He is created by Gerald Robotnik in an attempt to find a cure for Maria's illness. The project is ended in the same hostile way, Maria sends Shadow to Earth to escape, she does not make it.

Shadow remains in a deep sleep where he lands, until the site is one day disturbed…

Fastforward:

Eggman has known about his grandfather's creation for his whole life. Despite his own innovations, he can never seem to get his world domination plans off the ground. Knowing what he does about Shadow, he's convinced that some part of his remains must still be out there. For years, he searches, until he is eventually successful.

Eggman finds the ruins of the crash site. There, he is determined to revive Shadow.

Picture the part of Megaman Zero where Ciel first finds Zero. That's the vibe.

Shadow knows who he is, who created him, but the details about his last moments aboard the Ark are fuzzy. Eggman introduces himself as part of Shadow's family, informing him Gerald was indeed his grandfather and Maria his cousin. He takes on a faux sympathetic role, telling Shadow all that's transpired since the loss of the Ark. Taking advantage of Shadow's lost memory, it is all too easy for Eggman to entice him to take revenge.

Shadow joins Eggman's side and a successful campaign to conquer the world ensues. But while Shadow is plagued by doubts, it takes far too long for him to realize this isn't what Maria would have wanted.

Eggman rules the planet.

Fastforward again:

Consumed with guilt, Shadow decides the only way for him to make amends for the destruction he's helped cause, is to turn against Eggman.

And so, Shadow's journey begins! This would be where the series starts. From here, Shadow continues to meet new friends who help him heal.

The Characters:

Shadow:

Design wise, he needed something to visually set him apart from Shadow as he currently is. I'm personally too big of a fan of his design to change much about him though, so I settled on a little tattered capelet that visually echoes Eggman's post SA1 coat. It shows his ties to Eggman, while also getting the idea across that he no longer holds allegiance to him.

Eggman:

Eggman is in complete control in this world (save for that pesky hedgehog). I wanted his design to reflect how much more laid back he is here. That corporate bigwig that brandishes luxury athleasure. He hasn't a care~

There's a bit of dark comedy and industrialism to his reign. Most goods are branded by him, he probably has his own fashion line. You'll love the new Eggman power suits, because you don't have any other options. There is some animosity on a personal level between him and Shadow too, but see Metal Shadow's section for that.

Tails:

Tails is still a work in progress, so I have less to write about him unfortunately. He and Shadow have a rocky start that later forms into the brotherly bond he and Sonic have. Tails marks Shadow's commitment to make things right. He's the first person he is able to rescue from Eggman. But that trust is hard earned, as Shadow's involvement can't be ignored. Eventually forgiven, but not forgotten.

Amy:

Amy's design is mostly just her Fleetway look, with a few touches of Shadow's colors to tie her to the setting. Amy is a waitress at a roadside coffee shop. But she's not satisfied with a lackluster job in Eggman's world. Amy has dreams of being a hero. By day, she is taking orders for waffles and pancakes, by night, she is a self proclaimed "vigilante of justice"! (Which mostly involves her sticking it to the man by smashing stuff with her hammer.)

Shadow and Tails meet her on their journey when they stop at the cafe for lunch. Shadow later meets her again during a late night of her smashing parking meters and other Eggman property.

Amy does have a crush on Shadow, but the difference is that she's eager to hide it. (yes, yes you can make your tsundere jokes now.)

Shadow may or may not feel something for her too (he isn't sure), but it's a limbo sort of romance sub plot. Forever sorta stays in the "will they, won't they" territory. Feels different enough from Sonic and Amy's one sided dynamic, while not straying too far either. Both versions never see any real resolution.

Metal Shadow:

Metal Shadow has his own side plot/character arc going on. Eggman creates him much in the same way as Metal Sonic. He's a tool meant to aid his fight against Shadow.

Eggman has a personal axe to grind here though. Harking on his dialog in Sonic Frontiers about how everyone ignored him in favor of Maria (and ykno. Generally being happy about the idea of Sage being like a daughter to him) Eggman does have a real want for a family connection. Shadow turning against him was another notch in the ol' abandonment issues. Metal Shadow may have also been made to fill some of that void. However, now that he's here, Metal Shadow is just a reminder of what's gone. While proud of his creation, Eggman resents Metal Shadow. Metal Shadow in turn, is a little confused.

oh yea and i still gotta hit him with a train somehow.

[bartychaser]

Hey, ehm so, what I’m about to share is really personal and might trigger people who have to fight bullying and mental and/or physical illnesses bc mention of suicidal tendencies.

Idk what exactly it was but (on Pinterest I believe) someone was like “Yeah but why are there people hating on James? He’s so funny and cool with his pranks and Snivellus, just get your shit together” no he is not and I won’t get my “shit” together.

For me personally he triggers self destructive feelings and behaviours that kept building up since SECOND grade (until 10th I believe it was… could also be beginning of 11th) because there where so many ✨funny and cool✨ people who picked their “Snivellus” and spoiler alert it was always me. They pulled so many funny comments and pranks one me that almost cost me my life in the end and they were not done until 10th grade ended. They bullied me with the knowledge that I was ill in some way bc I told them I was seriously and most probably dangerously ill but at that time we didn’t exactly know what it was.

They bullied me for my illness and that illness wasn’t just “being weird randomly” that illness was a fucking brain tumor (luckily not cancer, I’m fine since I had surgery) that caused an epilepsy which is one of a kind.

The most common form of epilepsy is cramps, lying on the floor, looking funny with the drool dribbling down the chin and almost biting off their tongues (yes that can happen… my cousin is badly disabled bc a seizure damaged his brain at 3 months old).

I had a form of epilepsy which my doctors said they’ve never seen before though they were working in that business for over 40 years and they did their research when they heard about me. I was kind of the only person ever known in german medical studies in the last at least 40 years with those form of seizures. And because they were so unique they fucking sent me to a psychiatry because the doctor I’ve been to MULTIPLE TIMES before always said “Nah you’re just mental”. That also was funny enough to pick on me, rubbing in my face that I was a freak and ill and couldn’t do anything about it and I cannot count how many times I’ve prayed to not wake up. Because of people that acted just like James.

I have the right to hate him because in reality I fear him. I fear people like him because getting to have them in my life almost cost me my life and I’m so damn sure they would’ve laughed it off if I one day stopped showing up and my teacher would have stand in front of them crying because he lost the student that reminds him “so much of his sister” (that’s a quote btw) and had to tell them. I’m so afraid of James-like people and therefore I hate him. Not because he is James, James as a character has nothing to do with my past but he was the reason for another’s miserable past if you know what I mean. And every time he is mentioned making fun of Snape or pulling pranks that harm others (mentally or physically) and not only to annoy them bc that actually is funny, I feel those feelings crawling up again and I know it’s not healthy in any way bc he is just a fictional character and that is enough to get me flashbacks but it is what it is so don’t fucking ever try to tell James-dislikers who’ve openly been through similar things that ✨it’s just fun✨. For people in their past it, too, was just fun, for you it might just be fun, but for people who suffered under that fun it’s not. And not a single soul deserves that. There is not one human being who deserves to be picked on/bullied because others want to have some fun.

And no, I don’t mean to hate on James-likers bc yes, in some storys he really is cool and nice and funny and I can understand what you like about him but looking at what is shown to us in books and films he was a fucking prick who loved bullying Severus and making his time at school a part of his life he probably wishes never happened and that triggers my hate-fear if you know what I mean. I’m not trying to say your just like him, making others wanna end them or something, I’m just saying that there often is a sirius reason to dislike a character other than wanting to be different and cool or whatsoever. Sometimes you try to make someone like James with saying things that actually are triggering like “Hahaha it’s fun” Doesn’t mean you can’t try but be careful and always be respectful with trauma which really can be triggered by just one sentence or character.

I know it’s difficult and I do know there are almost no people who communicate/share their trauma just like I did but sometimes people dare doing this bc on social media they can be anonymous just like me. If my former class mates would read this they had no clue it was me. If my brother read this he had no clue it was me, you get my point? But others don’t have that anonymity bc they already published their name/face whatsoever and if anyone they know would see this they would really be fucked. At some point you probably will trigger someone but that inevitably and that’s okay because you can’t see what they’ve been through and you didn’t do it in purpose. But if someone tells you to just leave that topic no matter which topic, there. Is. A. Reason. (Probably) Respect their “no”

P.S. okay that sounds a little aggressive and guilt tripping, I’m sorry but I don’t know how to say that otherwise that was not my intention😭

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🦇 The Skin and Its Girl Book Review 🦇

❓ #QOTD What are three words you would use to describe yourself? 🦇 Far from the Rummani's ancestral home of Palestine, Betty Rummani is born a striking, permanent shade of cobalt blue. That same day, the Rummanis' centuries-old soap factory is destroyed in an air strike in Nablus. The family matriarch and keeper of all Rummani lore, Aunt Nuha, believes that the blue girl embodies their sacred history, when their blue soap was a symbol of legendary love. Decades later, Betty sits at her aunt's gravestone, trying to decide to stay amongst family or to follow her heart and the woman she loves (thereby following in her aunt's footsteps and family's cycle of exile).

💜 My heart weeps, breaks, and repairs itself all over again for this book. If there's a Palestinian novel on your TBR you want to prioritize, let it be this one. The Skin and Its Girl is a poetic tale, not only of Betty's life, but of her aunt's struggle with identity, with her broken family's history. There are stories folded within stories here, all told through the eyes of older Betty as she contemplates her childhood and aunt's complex life. The prose is intimate, almost dreamy, with a deep focus on identity, family, and the space where myths meet history.

💜 Sarah Cypher, I have to ask. Was your writing style (or rather, Betty's narration) inspired by Arabian Nights ("As you used to say, Auntie, a piece of yarn stretched out in a straight line is a waste of wool. And this one, like so many stories you told me, requires interruptions, divagations, a dash of rhetorical hypotaxis.")? Regardless, well done. What could have been dizzying rather gave us layers of our two main heroines as we needed them. After all, "Nothing happens in a straight line, not life or love or even time."

💜 This book explores so many themes that I can't discuss them all in a condensed review: family, identity, patriotism, history, mental illness, love, self-acceptance. Language and the power it holds is a theme as well. From the story's beginning, Betty recognizes her aunt has lied, shielding herself (her true self) in the process. Betty unravels those lies through her aunt's journals, connecting with her aunt and unraveling parts of herself in the process. Nuha has struggled with diaspora, not only from her homeland, but from herself, as the lies she's told have altered her self-perception.

💙 There is a scene where Aunt Nuha is at the airport, trying to visit Palestine and retrace the steps of her childhood. She's pulled out of the line by Israeli security, detained for hours, her identity and intentions put into question. This scene resonated so deeply because I've been there. I've been in that line, searched and detained, my identity and nationality put into question. The line "There is no such thing as Palestine" was a stab in the heart, enough that I had to set the book down for a moment. Later, Nuha sees the factory is shambles, the rubble creating a graveyard. It's scenes like this that more people need to read, to understand, to empathize.

🦇 Recommended for fans of Roses in the Mouth of a Lion and Evil Eye.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 💙 Literary Fiction 🌙 Debut 💙 Queer/Sapphic 🌙 Palestinian-American FMC 💙 Generational/Family Story 🌙 Identity

💬 Quotes ❝ It is no wonder that the word for story in English is the same one as the word for the floor of a building; we layer thoughts on thoughts until we are a tower of ideas, even if it means the whole unstable structure is shot through with the lies we tell ourselves and others. ❞ ❝ Sometimes words weren’t just a vessel; they were a prison. ❞ ❝ And for as long as she lived, she would never forget how it felt to hide— and to caress that fine, thrilling line between the fear of being discovered and the ecstasy of discovering. ❞ ❝ Hiding one’s true desires, day in and day out, was a type of skin. But in the old country, our heroine wore it out of habit. ❞ ❝ It’s one of the ways I’ve come to understand love— forgiving the misunderstandings between two imaginations. ❞ ❝ They did the work of speaking a shared language into being. ❞